Bitter Schmitter

My husband is only capable of two moods lately; depressed and irritable. I'm honestly not sure which is worse. And let me first point out that the definition of "lately" is about 4 years. Anyway, the depression comes with guilt and then I get the 3 or 4 phone calls at work throughout the day (just had one, can ya tell?) where he's crying and telling me how sorry he is that he's an asshole and he just feels so bad (good, I think). The irritability comes with definsiveness and then I get the If-I'm-such-a-bad-husband-why-are-you-still-here conversation. Or like 3am this morning, when the little one was up with a bad dream and wanted me and not him. This caused him to storm out of her bedroom, past me going in, and then throwing my pillows off the bed and across the room; then he sulked for the next hour.

Um, dickhead? Maybe if you spent more then 15 minutes a day with her....

But I don't waste my breath. We went through this with our boy too. He parents when it's convenient. For example, about once or twice a school year he'll yell at his son for not getting better grades and that's his idea of being involved with his son's schooling. I don't think he could tell you one of The Boy's teachers' names to save his life. And when The Boy has a problem, who do you think he comes to? And man, does it piss The Paperweight off. "What doesn't he share with me like he does with you?" Duh, cause I have a relationship with him?

I think that I may be a little jealous of my husband anyway. Both depression and irritability are luxuries that I can not afford. I would love love to hang around all day in my pajamas watching television. Or simply leave the house as the whim hits to drive around until I "felt better". Or wake up and simply decide that I wasn't going to work that day, just because I didn't feel like it.

On second thought, even though I may be a tad envious, I honestly can't say that I would love it. That's probably even obvious since, in fact, I don't do those things. I'm just not build that way. If something needs done, I do it. There is no whining or procrastination or thinking about how I just don't want to or it's not fair. Tough shit - as Nike says 'Just do it'.

I know what some of you may be thinking, what doesn't this bitter woman leave this asshole? As far as "stay or go" decisions, sometimes you have a choice, sometimes you don't. The choice you do have is to focus on the future, because time does have a way of working things out. I choose to focus on the future; mine and my kids'. That means I need to verbally vomit some of my bitterness in order to do that. So until the future comes....