Fork in the head Friday

When Miss Kach ran away from her McKeesport home in February 1996 as a 14-year-old described by her own stepmother as "streetwise," she had been carrying on a relationship with a then 38-year-old security guard at her middle school, Thomas J. Hose, according to police. Last week, investigators charged Mr. Hose, 48, with statutory sexual assault and three counts of involuntary deviate sexual intercourse. I think everyone involved deserves a fork in the head.

Turning lemons into lemonade?

I read a little blurb about this in a local paper so I just had to look it up online. Now I'm dying to hear what you guys think of this.... Pledge-a-Picketer

I probably shouldn't hold my breathe

Paperweight was here visiting the kids today and we got to talking. I actually told him everything that I stated in my last post. He took it remarkably well. Or he doesn't realize I actually meant all of that; I'm not entirely sure which. But I tend to be cynical (no, really. I'm not this upbeat irl you know, lmao) so it's hard to say. I was very surprised by his reaction/response. He actually kept his mouth shut and listened to everything I had to say. Then he told me he loved me. I asked him how he knew that. He said because he thinks about me all the time. That's the first time, and I told him this, that he ever said that or anything remotely that romantic in about a decade and a half.... Now, before you get all smoopy head-over-heels in love with my Paperweight, realize that this man is $350 behind in our agreed upon child support. And about an hour after this little heart-to-heart of ours, he asked to borrow $300 off of me. Hmmm any chance he's going to use that money to buy me yellow roses?

like a big pimple on the end of someone's nose

Most of this comes from my response to someone else's blog (though I've tweaked and edited/added here). Her post brought out a lot of stuff that I had been thinking about the last week or so. I have come to realize that my husband is my back-up. He's the fall back guy. He's the "yeah he's not perfect but it's better then being alone and at least I'll know what to expect" guy. We have a shared history, he knows my likes & dislikes, he's comfortable. Plus, we're married. That, in itself, is really hard to walk away from no matter how bad things get. Seriously, I have no clue how the divorce rate is so high. The simple fact that I have a marriage liscense with his name on it has kept me hanging on years longer then if we didn't have one. Now, I happen to believe in that head-over-heels in love feeling that you were talking about. I know because I had it with my husband. I know what you mean, though, when you talk about the "wants". I had to deal with that when regarding how he treats me. I had myself convinced that okay, he's just not a romantic guy and it's okay if he never brings me flowers or buys me a card or takes me away for the weekend or remembers our anniversary. And okay some times he's selfish and thoughtless and says mean things....well, that's all okay because I need to be the understanding wife who doesn't expect her husband to be something he's not. Well, guess what? That's bullshit. Why are the wives always the ones who have to change? I think maybe he needs to be the understanding husband who realizes that it's his job to meet some of his wife's needs. Why do I have to be his perfectly little supportive cheerleader and give him what he needs but when it comes to the reverse - I'm just supposed to accept him the way he is? I have recently realized that "security" doesn't mean what I thought it did. I honestly think my husband would never go to a divorce lawyer just because he procrastinates so much he would just never get around to it. And he just doesn't put that much effort in to anything. And why should he? I'm his fall-back-girl. Up until this point, he has always known that he could do whatever he wanted. I may get angry...I may even leave him (which I did once years ago)...But that "comfortable" would bring me back and make me stay. That's not security. That's a hostage situation. I may never find a man who will remember that my favorite flowers are yellow roses and who will buy me one just for the hell of it. But that doesn't mean I have to hang on to my husband in the mean time. I don't need someone to take his place. I can be comfortable with myself. This is where I'm at today and the things I have been thinking about for the last week or so. I think that Paperweight leaving, he will find to be one of the biggest mistakes of his life. All of things that I overlooked - all of the things that I was in denial about - seem to be just rising up and staring me in the face...

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent

I've always loved this quote from Eleanor Roosevelt. But today I wonder, is it true? And actually think about it before you respond....aren't there times when this isn't true? Then what makes it true in some cases but not in others? Or, perhaps, is the whole theory shot? Is this quote just one of those 'feel good' quotes that is supposed to make you feel empowered so you get off your butt and do something? And is it empowered or inpowered? (coolchick?) And what does it say about me that I don't know?

I am SO old fashioned. And I like it.

The girl was feeling better this weekend so we had a Girls' Day Adventure yesterday. Little mother/daughter bonding thing. We had a great time. Saw a show, went shopping, had dinner....Let me tell you about dinner. We went to Olive Garden, which is by no means "fancy" but a little more difficult for a 3 year old then, say, McDonald's. After being seated for about 20 minutes, as we were finishing our salad, it occurred to me that my daughter was (except for me, of course) the best behaved person in our area. By "behaved" I mean good manners (does anyone else remember those?) and by "person" I mean person, not child. To my left was the table with two couples; the women taking turns making calls on their cell phones. In front of me was a family; the children taking turns laying under their mother's chair. She alternated between ignoring this and making a big yelling production out of it. To my right was another, smaller family. A couple and their daughter, who looked to be in the 6-8 yr age....who spent the entire meal with a portable dvd player on the table watching a movie. Swear to God. And this table was right next to ours, with only one of those partial height walls and a fern seperating me and this girl's movie. I'm the kind of mom that insists on a family dinner every night. I don't care if we are only having take-out or popping a frozen pizza in the oven or if little Suzie Q is only 2 days old. I believe in having a sit down family dinner. We use napkins, we say "will you please pass me?", my kids ask to be excused. I've often felt frustrated trying to insist that a 2 yr old actually stay in his/her seat or that they use a fork instead of their fingers. Yesterday, was payback - it was worth every effort. And I was never more proud of my little girl. Napkin in lap, pulled up to the table, she ordered her own dinner. She said 'please' and 'thank you' to the waitress and we had polite conversation. We talked about the show we had just seen, the things around us, and where we would go shopping next. We may be a society of technological advances but I believe some of these advances are leading to our society's downfall. It is difficult to have "a sense of common identity" or "a rational relationship" with someone who is on a cell phone or watching television 24/7. We actually seem to be becoming a nation that will avoid human contact at all cost. Any one else remember singing songs on a long car trip rather then pulling out the headphones and movies and ignoring each other for the next 2 hours? Remember talking to your dinner companion? Talking to your kids? And don't even try pulling out the "educational" card because it won't work with me. I don't care if that damn Leapster will have your kid reading before he goes to Kindergarten or if she's speaking two languages or doing algebra. If they can't get along in society, how will they make friends? get through a college interview? a job interview? Or even a dinner at Olive Garden.......

Update: condensed version

Let's see: my daughter had to be taken back to the doctor's on Wednesday. She's still infected so we are now doing another round of antibiotics. She'll see her specialist next week. Oh joy. I've been working terribly long hours (hence no blog posting in the last week). I was behind schedule anyway and taking off most of last week to be with the sicko certainly didn't help matters. I'll be working late again tonight and then I'll actually be going out this evening. Can you believe it?!?! This is not something I've ever gotten to do often, but with the Paperweight being gone, I haven't had 2 seconds to myself. I can't even go to the store for milk alone. The boy is the same. He may not be perfect but at least he's consistent. In fact, he is probably the most consistent thing in my life right now. And doesn't that say a lot? Nothing new with the Paperweight relationship. Actually, his new trick is to stay at the house. He still has keys since he occasionally will shuttle the girl to or from preschool. And there have been a few times when I've wakened to find him asleep on my couch. Other then that, nothing new. He continues to only give me small amounts of money and only when he feels like it. He's still asking on a regular basis to move back home but continues to not do anything in order to allow me to let him come back. I seriously think he figures if he waits long enough he can wear me down. Ha! How little does he know me? I'm the Queen of stubborn. I'm the kind of girl who would cut of my nose to spite my face, if it means not giving in. Not normally a fine quality, true, but it is coming in handy as of late. Well, I'm off to work my ass off then I'll be swimming in green beer. Yum! I'll be more exciting next week - I promise. In the mean time, check out my list of fellow bloggers. A lot of damn good ones there.

I finally got to see Diego

Yep, that's the highlight of my week. For those without little one's at home, Diego is from the cartoon Go Diego Go. It's a Dora the Explorer spin-off. Diego is Dora's cousin. I've been home this week with my daughter who has been terribly ill. 75% of my time has been spent rocking her while watching various children's show while she napped fitfully. Since I work full-time, I've never seen the Diego show, though I've seen it advertised. Along with Diego, I've also discovered that I've missed a few other things. For example, my daughter can spell her name. She knows her telephone number. She has an interesting vocabulary that includes words like lovely, delightful, and shit. And I think the last has popped out at preschool occassionally because she followed it up with a variation of 'oh, crap' but it must not roll off the tongue as well because it comes out 'oh, crack', which is even funnier then the 'oh, shit'. She is also, as I type this, sitting here with her 'homework'. She can make a perfect 's' all by herself. Who knew? Yes, I'm feeling wistful and a little guilty. But I'll get over it. I have to get over it. While I never 'needed' to work, I always thrived on being independent. And I truly do love what I do. However, when the Paperweight walked out on me a month and a half ago, with no warning, I'd never been so truly grateful for my independence before. As sick as she's been, I've loved every second I've gotten to spend with her this week. Would I like to do it all the time? Of course! But, what I would love, would be for my daughter to grow up to be the kind of woman who has options. For her to never feel trapped. For her to be completely independent. While I hope she grows up to find a man much better then her father, I want her to know, that if she doesn't, she'll still be okay. More then okay. Free.

I think that the most likely reason of all may have been that his heart was two sizes too small

I'll admit it. Under normal everyday circumstances, my natural tendency is to be a Pollyanna. I would like to believe that people, no matter how idiotic they are on the surface, are good at heart. I am starting to realize that with Paperweight that just isn't the case. He can look good on the surface. He can say and do the right things (when he wants too)...but when it comes to his natural instinct, if you received a gut reaction from him, you are more likely to get to the truth of him, which is this: Paperweight is a very selfish person. Okay, this we know. But I think the extent of it is just hitting home. You know, he's just not a very nice person. After bringing the girl home from preschool, I've been letting him stay for dinner three nights a week. Last night was one of those nights. And we had this conversation afterwards where I received one of those "gut reactions" from him and it just stopped me dead. Now, don't misunderstand me; this was not a heat-of-the-moment-say-something-in-anger interaction. Those, in my opinion, while still hurtful are understandable. No, this was just a regular ole everyday conversation.... Anyway, I wasn't all raving pissed or anything. I can't even say I was angry. I think it was just, like I said, hitting home. He could tell he gave me pause for thought and tried to "take it back" saying he didn't want to cause a problem. But see? He just doesn't get it. He can't take it back. He said what he said because he's the kind of person who would say something like that. And that, you just can't take back.

101 things about me

1. I was born in a small town that had a population of 428.
2. I have three siblings.
3. My eyes change color depending on my mood; green, blue and gray.
4. I played the clarinet as a child.
5. I played bass guitar as a teenager.
6. I started taking violin lessons when I was 25.
7. I have a scar on my forehead from where I had stitches. I walked into a wall when I was three.
8. I've moved 8 times in my life.
9. I wanted to be an opera singer when I grew up.
10. I can't carry a tune to save my life.
11. My favorite color is blue.
12. I had my first cigarette when I was 10.
13. It was an L & M. Do they even still make those?
14. By the time I was 14, I had a pack-a-day habit.
15. I was in the gifted program in school.
16. I'm a high school drop-out.
17. I went and got me GED when I was 19.
18. I sucked my thumb until I was 9.
19. I wore braces in Junior High.
20. My husband was a blind-date.
21. My Mother hated my husband and thought he wasn't good enough for me.
22. She still hates him.
23. I am bisexual
24. My parents don't know.
25. My husband does.
26. I delivered both of my children "naturally"; used no pain killers.
27. I once jumped into a river to try to save a boy who was drowning.
28. He was 16 years old. I was 15.
29. He died.
30. I've been proposed to twice.
31. I proposed to my husband.
32. I didn't find the wedding gown I wanted until a week before the wedding.
33. My friends were all freaking out. I wasn't.
34. The ladies at the store were freaking. They said it could never be altered in time.
35. My gown fit off the rack; It didn't need to be altered.
36. When my daughter was born, I used it to make her baptismal gown.
37. I hate a lot of popular movies.
38. Like Saving Private Ryan
39. And don't get me started on Jerry Maguire
40. I prefer cats to dogs.
41. I've owned both throughout my life.
42. I currently do not have any pets.
43. I generally do not like children; only my own.
44. I cleaned houses for a living to put myself through college.
45. I have a fear of flying.
46. I've never flown.
47. I've never been on any form of public transportation in my life.
48. I spent time in a drug rehab when I was a teenager.
49. I've had my nose broken twice.
50. I've broken my wrist once.
51. I've had my fingers broken too many times to remember.
52. I currently have mild arthritis in my right hand.
53. Captain and Coke is my favorite alcoholic beverage.
54. Unsweetened iced tea is my favorite non-alcoholic beverage.
55. Without lemon. I hate lemon. Why do they always stick lemon in it?
56. I was raised Catholic.
57. I haven't been to church in almost 3 years.
58. I ran away from home twice before the age of 15.
59. My hair started going grey when I was 19.
60. I've dyed it every 6 weeks since.
61. My hair has been every imaginable color known to man at one point or another.
62. It's currently auburn.
63. This is my favorite color to date.
64. I used to write poetry.
65. It was really bad poetry.
66. I like to paint.
67. I'm actually pretty good at it.
68. I'm a registered Independent.
69. I only vote in Presidential Elections.
70. I think the scene with Edward Norton in his boxer shorts, kneeling on the ground getting arrested in American History X is one of the sexyist scenes in movie history.
71. It makes me horny every time.
72. Yes, I've spent time in therapy in my life.
73. I've had experiences with an angel in my life.
74. No, not a nice person; an actual angel.
75. My first boyfriend broke up with me because he said I gave lousy blowjobs.
76. I still wish him harm.
77. I tend to hold grudges.
78. I can actually type; could do 60 words a minute in high school. I'm probably faster now just out of years of practice.
79. I love musicals.
80. My favorite is Fiddler on the Roof.
81. I know every word to every song.
82. I am tetanusic to bee stings and tetnus shots.
83. Once, when I was mad, I used my husband's razor to shave my underarms.
84. I hate confrontation.
85. My blood type is O positive.
86. I've never donated blood before. They keep rejecting me.
87. I tend to be anemic.
88. If I had my life to do over differently, I would.
89. If given the choice, I'd have more children.
90. I wish I had taken ballet lessons.
91. And piano lessons.
92. I love what I do for a living.
93. I hate some of my co-workers.
94. Okay, most of my co-workers.
95. I have a bald-head fetish.
96. I have a biting fetish too.
97. There are pictures of me on the internet
98. But you wouldn't recognise me even if you knew it was me.
99. I thought this list would be harder to make then it was.
100. I could probably keep going
101. but if I told you anymore, I'd probably get myself in trouble.

this guy needs a fork in the head too

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0217062contract1.html Though, I'd like to start a contract from the woman's point of view for the guy; just to see how it would end up. I'm sure it would be more then 4 pages though. LOL Any ideas ladies?

yada yada yada with a little babble thrown in

Paperweight gave me money yesterday. I tried to pretend that I skipped lunch and was therefore a little light headed....but I don't think I pulled it off. I probably could have gotten away with the slight stagger but I think it was the dramatic clutching of my chest that gave me away. My daughter has discovered that sliding glass doors are an excellent place to keep your baloney slices until you are ready to eat them. I finally got the new Nine Inch Nails cd. Love it but I still think The Fragile is their best. My son informed me this morning that he will be old enough to drive in exactly 14 months. Speaking of birthdays, mine is this month. As always, I will be accepting presents all month long. I also take cash, checks and all major credit cards. If you ask how old I'm going to be, you'll need to send two presents.