Oh...

and I found out Sidney Frank died so I'm in mourning too. http://www.forbes.com/home/business/2006/01/11/frank-obit-grey-goose-cz_mm_0111frankobit.html

I told him to buy himself some babyoil

For the record, Pennsylvania sucks. Sure, we just won the Superbowl and all. But still.....We have no legal separation here, which makes things more difficult then they really need to be. You are either married or divorced. There is no in between. I don't have a lawyer. I'm not currently looking to obtain a lawyer. But I've looked around, checked things out, did some free consultations....so I'm not completely ignorant. I don't like surprises. Anyway, I had it out with the Paperweight again last night. He's been asking to move back home on a regular (almost daily) basis this past week. I'm not going to go in to the whole in's & out's of it because it's just the same old issues. But the difference this time was that I actually got some answers out of him. And he actually owned up to some of the crap he's done. Honesty, what a concept! He asked too, what it would take for me to let him back in the house. So I gave him a list (he's a list kind of guy, you have to be very specific with him) of what I want; what would need to happen, imo, to make our marriage work out. We also worked out a better arrangement regarding money and his Joey-like mooching behavior. Things like, he's allowed to stay to see the kids in the evening but no spending the night (he had been crashing there on & off but I put a stop to that last week). A money contribution that we could both agree with. And, marriage counseling. I told him that I would not even consider having him back home until after we started. Now this was not, of course, as free-flowing and smooth as I'm laying it out here. There was no yelling but some anger and more then my fair share of tears. But we got through it without killing each other. Then as we are wrapping up and he's getting ready to leave, he looks at me, completely straight-faced and says, "So, how's the sex thing going to work? What do I do when I want to have sex with you?"

::raspberry::

Paperweight quit his job. Not as bad as it may seem. I mean, he does have a new one. And this is not out of the ordinary. He changes jobs like I change shoes. However, there is one major drawback. Our daughter's daycare is owned by his current company so we had been getting an employee discount. So now, on top of finacially supporting these kids myself, I will now be paying 15% more for daycare. ::sigh::

Beyond treading water

I had just been trying to keep my head above water but I think I'm better at this then I thought I would be. The Paperweight asked to move back home Friday (I honestly think he's just broke. He's horrible with money). I told him no. I think it shocked him a little. But I told him, 'the whole reason you said you were moving out was because you realized you were an asshole. well, you're still an asshole so if you moved back now then the whole misery you've put us all through would've been for nothing'. Guess I got some cojones after all! I have to say, it's kind of empowering. I'm managing even though he still hasn't given me any more money. I haven't even had to touch my savings account (yet, cross your fingers). And I talked to one of my bosses about a raise and he seemed postive about it. He still has to go confer with the other two though.

Okay, on a lighter note, I'll tell a cute story.

We keep a wide open space in our living room for the kids too play. The only thing in the middle is a large (6x8) rug on top of our beige carpeting (fyi; beige carpeting and kids do not mix, hence the throw rug). Anyway, the beige carpeting is the perfect "beach" in my daughter's imagination and the rug has become the "water". So she'll stand on the side and dive or jump in. She'll 'splash' around and even lays on her belly and does a pretty good imitation of a freestyle swim stroke. Now while this is cute in itself, the actual image is hysterical. Especially when you know that in order to swim, she has to take her clothes off. Completely. So for the last two weeks, I've had a bare-ass naked 3 1/2 year old swimming on my living room floor!

Ummm....

I got this from craziequeen's blog Personality Disorder Test Results Please remember that this test isn't meant to diagnose you. Only a professional can do that. Below are your test results, broken down for the ten different personality disorders. You are rated "low," "moderate," "high," or "very high" probability for each disorder. Low or moderate ratings mean that you are unlikely to have the disorder. High or very high means you are more likely to have the disorder. Only a professional can diagnose a disorder, however.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Disorder:	Moderate
Schizoid Disorder:	Moderate
Schizotypal Disorder:	Low
Antisocial Disorder:	Moderate
Borderline Disorder:	Moderate
Histrionic Disorder:	High
Narcissistic Disorder:	High
Avoidant Disorder:	Low
Dependent Disorder:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- -- Personality Disorders --

Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Things Fauve is Thankful for Today 1. My son, Alex's sense of humor 2. My daughter, Sydney's playfulness 3. Caramel Hershey Kisses 4. The white zinfandel in my fridge at home 5. Leaving work early (only 3 hours left!!) 6. That it's 20 degrees warmer then it was yesterday 7. Plain Hershey Kisses 8. I've gotten 4 compliments on my outfit so far today. Yes, I keep track. 9. I exercised early so I'm done for the day 10. My car is still running (194,500 miles) 11. Big fat tax refund 12. Peanut butter Hershey Kisses 13. Bosses leaving me alone so I can screw around on my blog (until I leave early, of course) Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
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Uneventful (and thankful for it!)

Paperweight asked if he could spend the night last night. We didn't "do" anything. I think he was just lonely. I'm a little worried though, because we both got paid yesterday and he didn't give me any money for the kids; didn't even mention it. BUT I did our taxes and am having them direct deposit the refund to my account (should be there early next week) so I think I'm keeping that all to my little ole self!

In more exciting news, the kids are doing wonderful (Thank God!); Both very happy and playful. The Girl has recently started retaliating against her big brother who has been picking on her for more then 4 years (he used to blow on my belly when I was pregnant). She got a keyboard with a microphone for Christmas and started singing on the top of her lungs in to the mic last night a song she made up....it went along the lines of "The Boy is a big baby and he should sleep in a crib!" The Boy and I have been spending more one-on-one time too. I re-arranged my schedule a little and it has really paid off. Though I worry about him needing a positive male remodel in his life. But what's a girl to do?

It's Valentine's Day

and I'm not nearly as depressed as I thought I would be. Actually, truth be told, I can't say I'm depressed at all. I was a little bothered by some of the sappy love songs on the radio this morning....so I turned on a little Nine Inch Nails instead. My boss, whom I just recently told about the seperation, took me out to lunch. And I think I'm going to buy a bottle of wine after work and build a fire when I get home. Maybe order in some chinese (something Paperweight always hated).

I'm feeling reflective today...

So I'll share some thoughts to ponder:

1. You wouldn't worry what people thought about you if you only knew how seldom they did.

2. To expect life to treat you fairly because you're a good person is like expecting a bull not to charge you because you're a vegetarian.

3. Always borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect to be paid back.

4. Some people think their lives are full, when really they're just cluttered.

5. A leader without a sense of humour is like a grass cutter at a cemetery. You have a lot of people under you paying absolutely no attention.

So I'm not so depressing; Thursday Thirteen

Thirteen Things about Fauve 1. This is the most productive thing I've done today. 2. I am an excellent cook. 3. I hate to cook. 4. I vaguely remember where my stove is....I think it's that thing I set the crock pot on. 5. I've never actually stabbed my husband in the head with a fork. 6. It's been hard not to on at least two occassions. 7. My eyes change color depending on my mood; between green, blue and gray. 8. My eyes turn green when I'm horny. 9. My eyes are green the majority of the time. 10. I think this is not a half bad attempt at my first Thursday Thirteen. 11. I'm in denial about my shortcomings most of the time. 12. The last concert I went to was The Wiggles. 13. I think Anthony Wiggle is hot. Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. craziequeen (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

How you doin'?

Imagine if Monica (pre-Chandler) and Joey were married. Don't change their characters at all. Her: smart professional, though slightly neurotic, woman. Him: slighly dense, care free food-moocher. They care for each other, even have a type of love for each other, the occassional lusty thought...no commitment or displays of affection though. But suppose they just happened to be married. Welcome to my world. Yes, it is slightly surreal. But at least the Steelers won the Superbowl.

Part of me feels like a shit

So Paperweight just called me. Crying. I kind of expected it. He's having one of his depression days. He showed up an hour early to get the girl for preschool. I listened without comment for a little while. I guess because I was quiet, he asked if he was bothering me......

Me: "You want the love, support, and comfort of a family but none of the work or responsibility. I'm supposed to be there for you when you need me, ask nothing in return, and go away when you are done with me. Frankly, I feel like I'm being used."

Him: "I just feel so bad and you were the only person I thought I could talk to."

Me: "I warned you that this would happen. You took the one person who loves you the most. The person who supported you, comforted you, listened to you and was your constant cheerleader and then pushed her away. Now you have to deal with this shit on you own."

I felt a few moments of triumph, having said what had been eating at me.

He cried for a little then said good-bye and hung up.

Now I have a rock in my gut. Why can't I let go?

Quote of the day

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." -- Bob Ettinger

Okay, here's the low-down

The Paperweight has officially moved out. The Boy knows, The Girl doesn’t. He's still going to come pick her up for daycare in the morning and drop her off after work. She's just going to be told that he's "working" a lot; which he would do 4 nights out of 5 anyways so it's really not much of a change for her. But the whole thing about why he's moving out (from the 1/26 journal entry) apparently still "applies". He's under the thinking that he's going to move out and "take care of himself" until he can come back and be a good husband and father. And apparently he's under the impression that I'm going to be completely okay with this and I'll wait around for him in the meantime. I am going through the complete grieving process - you can follow along with me using a Psych text book - and he can't understand why I'm so upset; why I'm unwilling to have a husband when it's convenient for him to be a husband. Once again, he's asking me suck it up and deal with what he wants while my wants and needs get ignored. Been there, done that. The only difference now is I won't be getting my once-a-month-lay….He sees it as me not "sticking by him" as he "works through his issues." The stand-by-your-man mentality may work in the Clinton household, but ole Bill makes way more money then my husband.

There is irony in all of this though. He's spent more quality time with the kids since he moved out then when he lived with us. He stays and plays with The Girl until I get home. I've come in to find them tousling around on the floor together which he never used to do. I've seen him sit with his son and play a video a game while asking him about school and his teachers. He stopped over about 9 last night to check on us because he had called and I hadn't called him back (we were grocery shopping) and he knows the Girl's bedtime is 8 so he was worried that something had happened (yeah, my husband moved out so now the kids have to come with me. Duh)

Anyway, so he tucked the Girl in bed (first time for everything) and stayed to watch the State of the Union with the Boy. Then, get this, before he leaves he sits down next to me and asked me how my day was…..will wonders never cease?!?!

So we seem to be at an impasse. He thinks he's going to get all better and I'll be wooed off my feet and we'll live happily ever after. I think he's decided to have his cake and eat it too. I think he wants the comfort provided by a family without the work. And I also think that if it's okay for him to abandon his family to meet his own selfish wants and needs then it's okay for me to not wait around for him. Any big strong blonde guys reading this???