This is the land of confusion #1

So much to say, so much on my mind, and I have no idea how or when it will come out. A lot of things going on in my world, some good, some bad, some drama, some sex…this will probably be done in multiple posts (hence the numbered title) because it's too much for me to deal with at one time (plus you all would be bored to tears). But at the moment I am writing this, I have no idea how I'm going to split this up. I'm just going to continue to type and what needs to come out will come out.

The Boy is home. I picked him up Friday afternoon after a week away at football camp. He seems much larger to me now. And much older. He also had a second scrimmage Saturday afternoon in which he did wonderfully well. And that's not just mom-speak, he really did. At his size, he's bound to stand up well, but this weekend he had the 'aggression' that he lacked at the first scrimmage. This was mostly do to the fact that he want to 'beat the living shit' out of his dad but his dad wasn't around so he took it out on some poor kid on the other team.

The Paperweight offered to come stay with The Girl Saturday morning so that I could attend the scrimmage without her. She bores easily and it was very far away, so we assumed this would be the easiest thing for everyone involved. And, mind you, this was The Paperweights idea. So he arrives at my house very early Saturday morning because The Boy and I had to leave at 7:30 am. The Girl was up eating breakfast while we were getting ready.

Okay, let me pause here for a second to add some additional info. The Girl is an extremely picky eater. If she had her way, she'd eat peanut butter sandwiches, man 'n cheese, and junk food. That's it. I, of course, do not buy candy or any other junk food. The worst we have is microwave popcorn. And even that is low butter and the little snack bags not the regular size bags. I figure, if it's not there, no one can eat it. I'm also not an argumentative kind of parent. I'm the type of mom who says 'this is what we are having for dinner'. The Girl says 'ew yuck I don't want that.' I say, 'then I guess you'll go hungry.' And that's the end of that. If she eats, fine. If she doesn't eat, fine. When she gets hungry enough, she'll eat. It always happens, so I just leave the food there and as soon as she realizes that she's really not getting anything else, she'll eat whatever I gave her.

The Paperweight says, 'what do you want for dinner?' she says 'cheese curls' he says, 'okay' and stops at the store to buy her cheese curls.
Swear. To. God.
I've seen it happen.
Repeatedly.
Know what he got her for her fourth birthday? He arrived at her party with one of those gift bags that held one new dvd and the rest was filled with candy. Anyway, this has been an ongoing problem since practically birth, but it's gotten worse since he moved out. He feels extremely guilty (which he should) so if The Girl says Jump, The Paperweight says How high?

Bored to tears yet?
Back to my house Saturday morning. The Girl is sitting in front of her breakfast consisting of a bowl of Kix and a glass of apple juice. She has taken exactly two bites in the last 20 minutes. She's waiting to make sure I'm really not going to give her the Gummi Bears that she has requested for breakfast. As I'm rushing around with The Boy, I hear the Paperweight say to The Girl "Are you done with this?" She, of course, says "Yes". So he takes it to dump it out. I immediately say, "Don't do that. She still needs to eat."

What followed next, you probably won't believe. I only do 1) because I was there and 2) I've lived this scene many times.

The Paperweight flipped the fuck out. Literally. In every sense of the phrase. And within 15 minutes of the breakfast conversation, I had had to throw him (literally, Thank God for Taebo!) out of my house because he had gotten worked up to the point that he had threatened to kill me. Out he was, front door locked, I told him to go cool his head off before he did something even more stupid. I go to check on The Girl and asked if she was okay. Her response was "Yeah. Why is daddy being mean?" (btw, how the hell do you answer a question like that?!?!) So what does The Paperweight do? Calm down and quit scaring the shit out of his kids? Hell, no. He walks around to my back patio and stands in front of the sliding glass doors so that I can see him. He points at me, says 'I'm going to get you', then makes the little finger-across-the-neck-slit-your-throat motion, then walks away.

Over a bowl of cereal.

It may or may not surprise you to know that this did not bother me all that much. I was terribly upset that this got started because I had honestly hoped that after having lived without him for 8 months that I was finally going to be done with this shit. I was terribly upset that my 4 yr old had seen the beginnings of this before I sent her off to her room. But the death threats? Didn't bother me at all. If I got upset and scared every time The Paperweight threatened to kill me….well, I would have died of fright years ago. Besides, I once had this man bend me over my living room couch and put a gun to the back of my head because I was 2 hours late coming home one night. I don't scare easily any more.

I flipped the bird towards the sliding glass door where The Paperweight had stood and turned to track down the kids and make sure they were okay. This is when I noticed, for the first time, that The Boy was in the corner of the dining room off to my right. He had heard every word his father had said. He had seen the slit-your-throat motion.

Yeah. Fuck.

The Boy came and stood directly in front of me and said, "If he lays one finger on you, you tell me and I'll beat the living shit out of him." Then he bent over, all 6'-1" of him, put his arms around me, put his head on my shoulder….and sobbed.

And I honestly believe, may God forgive my soul, that if The Paperweight had come back to my house at that moment, I would have killed him. Since I've been on my own for the last 8 months, The Paperweight isn't the only one to have a gun anymore. And I swear, I would have killed him.