Letter to my love

Dear Thing,

The long drive home gave me some much needed time to think. In some aspects, I ended up with more questions in lieu of answers, but at least it allowed me to begin to wrap my head around some of the things I was feeling. I would have loved to have stayed with you and talked about these things with you...but...with the storm...and your cold...and, well, I didn't really have anything to SAY anyway. I needed time, as I said, to figure out - I felt, but I didn't know what or what it was about. So I figured I’d take some more time this week before I sat down and told you my thoughts, but it occurred to me that I have access to someone with first hand knowledge of my relationship skills, or lack thereof. So I came home and questioned/talked with The Paperweight for over an hour. It was kind of awkward, more for him then me, but he was willing to be helpful and honest and it actually did me some good.

See, the thing is…I’m in love with you and I will do whatever it takes to make myself worthy of your time, attention and love…even if it means speaking with my ex-husband about what bad traits I had during our marriage. He, surprisingly enough, agrees with you and doesn't think I have a selfish bone in my body. I just have a tendency to be a lot more upfront then most women…making me appear more domineering…or selfish...

And yes, I do know what I want. I want to be with you….more then anything. To see you snuggled into your pillow first thing in the morning, to rub your aching back at night, and everything in between…I want that more then I’ve ever wanted anything. I love you more then anything in the world. What I feel for you is more then...it's just MORE. Sometimes it feels like it will consume me. This, the majority of the time, fills me with a happiness that I have never known. A happiness that I wish I could both share with the world and keep all to myself... And a part of the time, this fills me with great fear. It appears that just as I trained myself in my marriage physically – to have multiple orgasms quickly because it was now or never, I realized that I seem to have conditioned myself emotionally as well. I want to be with you all the time, touch you all the time, email you all the time, make love to you all the time…because it is one of my greatest fears that soon our ’10 minutes’ will be up and so I better capture as much happiness as I can while it lasts…

Am I over-analyzing? Oh hell, I’m sure. That’s a definite fault of mine I recognized. There were so many signs I missed with The Paperweight…things I should have seen, but didn’t. I’m terrified of making the same mistakes. Not that you would do the things The Paperweight did, I don’t mean that…It’s just, I’m afraid of being hurt again – which would be bad enough in general, but to lose you…I don’t think I’d handle that well at all. And see the thing too is, I don’t want to hurt you. I want to make you as happy as you make me. I don't want to ever take you for granted. I don't want to ever assume anything. I would like to know your wants, desires and needs. So, I have to ask, in an ideal perfect world, no jobs, kids, ex-husbands, time, money, anything to consider but what you want…what would you ask for?

I want to be with you. I know this. I can not afford to be the least bit selfish or presumptuous, because if I fuck this up, it would break my heart.

Love,
Fauve