Obligatory New Year's Post

Having failed miserably at last year's resolution, I will continue with it this year as well. However, I don't completely blame myself for my failure because I really expected more support from you guys. Lord knows I tried so it's obvious that some of you have not been pulling your weight. So try harder damn you! Put your back in to it, noses to the grind stone and let's win one for the Fauver!!

But we all know how I strive for growth, change and the betterment of myself and society at large. So I can not justify settling for this resolution alone. Having a boyfriend in another state and a 1 1/2 hour commute to work each day means I spend quite a bit of time traveling. With this in mind, especially since I've traveled a significant amount recently with the holidays, it is this year's resolution to become an inventor.

I haven't worked out all the details yet but it consists of a mechanical device added to all new cars and another capable of retrofit on existing vehicles. There will need to be side panel sensors of a sort of which I am completely unfamiliar and some engineering which I will also need help with so I'm excepting helpful information from willing volunteers.
Thing pointed out some 'flaws' with my earlier designs so I've settled on the following. After 1 full minute of any vehicle riding in the left-hand lane without passing another vehicle or making a left hand turn, a warning light will engage on the dashboard. The driver then has another full minute to either turn left, if need be, or move over in to the right hand land. If driver of said vehicle does neither, the vehicle's 'auto pilot' takes over, pulling the car over to the side of the road, thus not hurting other motorists on the highway, and the driver loses all control of the vehicle.
Windows are then rolled up automatically, locks engage and all oxygen is then sucked from the vehicle thus suffocating the asshole who, if he's too stupid to properly drive then he's too stupid to live.

I wonder if PayPal would let me set up an account so that donations can be made to the 'Kill an asshole and make the world a better place' Fund. What a tax write off that would make, eh?

It's the thought that counts

I had fully intended to post an update this morning on the whole Christmas breakfast with The Paperweight and 3 Hole Punch thing and the Christmas dinner with Fred & Wilma thing...but instead I've spent the last three hours reading everyone else's blogs that I've been neglecting for the last week because
Me being off work = me not fucking around on the computer all day
So I had to catch up. But now I have to leave to get a cavity filled because
Me being off work = me scheduling the 800 appointments I can't normally do

You love me anyway, right?

But, while you're here not getting any new information, you can do me a favor. We are about a month away from this blog's anniversary. Last year, I had The Thing as a guest blogger who wrote the story of the night we met. This year, I'm toying with a few ideas but nothing I'm that crazy about. So tell me, what would you like to see, hear about, learn? Another guest blogger? A question and answer piece? Any suggestions? Bueller? Bueller?

Happy Holidays!

Guilty Pleasures

Dear Inigo,

You suck. I've been trying to sway The Thing to the Dave Matthews side for over a year now and how do you help? By making him a cd of the most god awful music known to man. I love Dave; he rocks. But I am honest enough to know that not every song he ever did rocked and that he sucks live. So on top of not picking the cream of the song crop, you just had to make sure every single song you picked to share was a live one to boot, eh?

While I totally realize you could snap me like a twig with 3/4 of your body tied behind your back, this is my blog so you're just going to have to take your lumps like everyone else.

I'll be in town this weekend and for New Years. You owe me some beers.

Love and kisses,
Fauve

p.s. Bring Buttercup with you.

Mass hysteria and other things you've missed

• The Thing and I went to my office Holiday Party. A good time was had by all. At least from what I can remember. I look really hott in the pictures though and that's all that matters. And I'm pretty sure Girlfriend made it through the whole thing this year without sticking a bread basket on her head.


• Once again The Paperweight had agreed to me buying all of the Christmas presents and he would chip in half the money. Once again, he's welching on the deal. Note the look of shock on my face [insert voice dripping with sarcasm here]


• The Girl was in a Christmas show at school. She, with her class, sang and danced to three songs. She didn't seem at all nervous or shy. Yea!


• I have discovered that I don't feel as comfortable coming here to my blog as I used to. I wonder what reactions will be when I talk about way personal things like


• The Thing coming up this weekend and for the first time in 14 months we didn't have sex.


• And the fact that I'm really really upset about it. Not upset like sad & depressed. I mean like fucked off upset. I'm probably hormonal. Though I usually just cry when I'm hormonal in lieu of getting fucked off. So I think I'm just fucked off that I didn't get fucked. Well, that's not entirely true though it is a significant symptom of it. I'm feeling a lack of control. I'm feeling…powerless.


• I think I'm in the process of making a new friend at work. She's really nice and pretty cool. And it's probably a good thing I'm moving in 5 1/2 months. If I wound up with 2 actual friends I don't what would happen….Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling. Forty years of darkness. Earthquakes, volcanoes... The dead rising from the grave. Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together - mass hysteria.


• I'm addicted (pun intended) to the show Weeds. I'm only half way through Season 2 though so don't anyone spoil it for me.


• The Paperweight has confirmed that 3 Hole Punch will be joining us for breakfast on Christmas morning. I'm calling their house at 5am to make sure she 'gets ready' before coming over.


• If I see a commercial for Moon Sand one more time, I'm taking vacation this week as well and staying drunk until the new year.


• Yep, I'm on vacation next week. There is the holiday of course and then I figure I'll need a week to recover from dinner at Fred and Wilma's so I'm not returning to work until after the New Year. Unless, of course, I can figure out how to turn the lack of sex this weekend in to an acceptable excuse for not going there on Christmas Day. Quite far fetched, I know, but I'm pretty creative when I'm desperate and horny.


• Thank you everyone for your kind support to my last post.


• I discovered that The Paperweight hates the 3 Hole Punch's kids. She has two; a boy & a girl, older then The Girl and younger then The Boy. The Paperweight says they're "idiots".


• My bosses gave me a bonus. I so rock.


• And I'm really really tired. Deep in my bones kind of tired. I'm feeling old and unsettled and mis-placed. I think I need a cookie.

BFF

I don't make friends easily. Actually, I currently only have one friend and Girlfriend only broke through the wall by the narrowest of margins despite my own methods of self-destruction because she is so aggressively friendly she could melt the heart of a snowman.
Everyone else is an acquaintance. There are different levels of acquaintances too; people I've talked to online for years, people at work who I know well enough to have lunch with but never see socially outside the office, people who used to be sorta close but now due to time or circumstance or both have shifted to the world of Periodic Acquaintance. I've been like this my entire adult life preferring to let the world see what I want them to see and keeping the real me closely guarded. Even here, dear reader, where I am more honest then anywhere else, you (obviously) don't really know me. Of course, you could have probably surmised all of this yourselves from how warm & fuzzy my personality is....
Ahem

So it might surprise you to hear that I did indeed once have a BFF. While we didn't live in the same neighborhood, we did attend the same school growing up, which is how we met with our lockers being next to each other one year. We instantly clicked, the way little girls sometimes do, and we were inseparable for years.
We grew up together, made prank calls together, got our periods together, got drunk together, and discovered boys together.

She was always there for me. She consoled me when my mom hated my first boyfriend and again when he broke up with me because I gave bad blowjobs. She covered for me when I wanted to sneak out of my house and didn't hate me when a guy she had a crush on had a crush on me. She walked beside me in high school, teaching me to keep my head held up, while my belly grew larger with my first born.

And I was there for her. I held her when she missed her mom, who died when we were 10, and I held her hand a few years later through the ceremony when her father remarried. I covered for her when she wanted to sneak out of her house and listened to the woes of having a truly evil stepmother. I was the one who teased her about the boy who threw rocks at her because I knew it meant he liked her and I was the one who laughed my ass off a couple years later when they started dating. I was a friend when they conceived a child, chose not to keep it, and she was disowned by her father.

But there is always something, isn't there? that no matter how much two friends love each other...well, nothing lasts forever. I couldn't be there for her that last time. I know in my head that there is nothing differently I could have done but that doesn't stop the guilt or the regret that I couldn't be there when she needed me most.

Instead, I was out on a date with The Paperweight. She was at her boyfriend's house, still dating the rock thrower some 4 years later. He, unbeknown to me, was suffering from a severe depression that caused him to chase her threw the woods behind his house, shooting her repeatedly, then laying down beside her carefully arranged dead body before blowing his brains out.
She was 20 years old.

******************************************

I'm sure you've all heard by now about the shooting in the Mall in Omaha. Having heard this morning that the note this man-boy left sited that he wanted fame, I refuse to post his name, a link to an article, or any other information about him or what he did. It is a rarity that I wish I believed in the existence of hell, but this is one such occasion that I do so that he may rot there for eternity.
If you would like to kill yourself, by all means do so. While this will cause great pain to those who love you, who am I to deny what another person chooses to do with his or her life? However, when you cross the line to homicide, you are making that choice for someone else. And that, I can never forgive.

Dr. Fauve, relationship expert

So yeah, I met 3 Hole Punch. She was not at all like I expected and it (the meeting) has led to areas that I was even less suspecting of. I have been asking to meet this woman since the discovery of her existence back in May (5 months after they started dating, about that long since the kids had known her and 4 months after they moved in together) but it took another 6 months after that for me to finally meet her. I was shocked because
1) she's really nice.
2) she has no apparent brain damage
3) she is not at all attractive

That last item may seem shallow or even catty on my part, but hear me out. The Paperweight is extremely vain and he had also informed me on numerous occasions that this woman is nothing more then a fuck to him. So, with those two bits of knowledge, wouldn't you be expecting a knock out? A young piece of arm candy? Nope, the woman is only one step above homely and that's only because she takes good care of herself. But if she ever "let herself go" people would be barking at her in the streets. And she's either quite a bit older then I or else the 'aging gracefully' fairy beat her with his wand. I asked Paperweight how old she was and he laughed and said he didn't know...

Anyway…

This meeting was a last minute deal. The Girl had a cheerleading 'recital' after her last class at the local YMCA a few weeks ago and The Paperweight called me beforehand to ask if I would mind if 3 Hole Punch attended as well.
Big fat duh! ya dumbass. I've been asking for 6 months to meet her. (ie. I said 'no, I don't mind if she comes')
And The Thing was in town for the event as well so the 4 of us got to hang out with a dozen or so 5 & 6 year olds with pom poms. Exciting life I lead, eh? But it was good for me to see how she got along with The Girl. These are my kids, for goodness sake, I need to know I can trust the people they are with. And both The Thing and I felt very comfortable with her.

So now that the ice has been broken, I find myself in bizarro land. We (The Paperweight & I) talk about her. I saw her again when trading off the kids after Thanksgiving. And I give him advice. For example, if it weren't for me, this poor woman would have been left home alone on Thanksgiving (I convinced him to suck it up and take her to dinner at his family's) and again on Christmas.
The Paperweight wants to come over Christmas morning to see the kids like he did last year. 3 Hole Punch is from another state (a far away one) and has no family or friends in the area, and he was just going to ditch her and come to my place. Perhaps I'm just a softy (quit laughing) but I think there is no reason why 3 Hole Punch should be treated like crap just because I was. So I invited her to come along for Christmas breakfast with The Paperweight.
Now just cross your fingers that she gets up early enough to throw some makeup on first. ::shudder::