New Year's Resolution

Since it's already January 3rd, you can tell that I've been avoiding this topic. I debated whether to do a whole 'new year' post at all. It seems like everyone has blogged one, in one form or another, and I loathe to be like everyone else. Not to mention that it's just too easy - a 'gimme' topic, if you will. Besides, and this is the most important reason, I had no resolutions planned this year.

I've spent the last year changing and growing for Christ's sake, whether I wanted to or not. I was forced to change for my own survival and the survival of my children; both physically (being able to support and raise two children on my own) and emotionally (having the kids adjust and turn out relatively normal, plus my own emotional survival. While my self-esteem was never the best, can you imagine the blow of being totally rejected by an abusive asshole? Seriously…how much must one suck to not be able to earn common courtesy from one's spouse? Yeah, yeah…shuddup…I know this is completely inaccurate, not to mention just a whole bowl full of wrong…but this is how I felt for many months. Deal with it. I did.)
So in between surviving and trying to re-build my self-esteem, I was faced with the taunting task of just trying to figure out who the hell I was and what I wanted out of life. I had spent the majority of my life trying to be, become, or otherwise adjust to what The Paperweight wanted.

In the past year, I've changed everything from the clothes I buy (stuff I like to wear in lieu of buying what I knew The Paperweight liked on me), to the products I use (The Paperweight couldn't stand the scent and forbade me to wear it), to the music I listen too (if you weren't in to Ted Nugent or The Rolling Stones, you were just a big pussy in The Paperweight's book). I wasn't always a complete wus but the first two years of our marriage we did nothing but fucking fight…which, when he finally got to the point where he was at a loss for words, is when the abuse started. It got to the point where it was just easier…it was easier to throw away the lotion, buy a pair of blue jeans from Wal-mart and stand beside him at the Ted Nugent concert (4 Nugent concerts, to be exact. I should get a fucking medal).

So when this new year was approaching and everyone around me, both online and in real life, began discussing change and resolutions I actually cringed. The old standards I'm ignoring - like quitting smoking; been there, done that, tried it again, forgot about it. Seriously? The 3lbs added un-needed stress….which leads to the other common resolution, to lose weight. We won't even go there. For anyone who doesn't know, which would be just about every single one of you, my weight is something I pay particularly close attention too. There is a whole story and journey involved, but I'll save that for another day, if anyone actually says they give two shits about hearing about it. Anyway, I've done nothing but change and grow for months…do I really need to fucking plan on doing it now just because I someone brought me a new desk calendar?

Fuck no.

At least…
That's what I thought…
Until this morning…

This morning, I decided that my New Year's Resolution is to pray more. In fact, it is to pray every single god damn day. More specifically, to pray that The Paperweight gets hit by a Mack Truck. Or, perhaps, that his 40 year diet of steak and butter finally catches up with him and he drops dead of a heart attack. Hell, I'd even settle for spontaneous combustion. I'm not picky.
For many years I believed in Karma…what goes around, comes around…and yet that fucker continues to waltz through life with not a care in the world…So I'm tired of waiting for Karma to kick in and am taking a more active roll by praying to as many gods as I can find via the internet. It is my goal to pray, wish and hope him, quite literally, to death.

And if this doesn't work I'm buying a voodoo doll…and stabbing it in the head with a fork…