So...um...
I actually published this post late last night...for about a minute and a half. I then deleted it due to the fact that, as I've previously mentioned, two of The Thing's friends read this blog. However, me being me, I went to The Thing directly and said, "Since I've lost my mode of venting freely, you'll just have to deal with this directly"...and sent him this post in it's entirety. To his credit, he did. He also gave me full permission to publish this post exactly as I wrote it. While the issue in itself is still not resolved for me, I think the fact that he feels no need to censor me speaks volumes...
I need advice.
I'm not good, as if you couldn't tell, at the whole relationship thing. I'm good at the whole being-married-to-a-fucked-up-asshole thing, but relationships? Yeah...It's been a couple decades since I've done this and I'd like to do it right. However, I've been made a fool of before and I like that to not happen again, thank you very much.
The Thing has many women friends. This, I have no problem with. Lord knows, especially in my male dominated field, I have a ton of male friends. And he even stays in contact with ex-girlfriends, which I too have no problem with (I still talk to the original Eduardo.) However, there is one of his 'friends' that I am having a bit of a problem dealing with...
She's not an ex-girlfriend, per se...it's worse than that. Much, much worse. And this is going to sound so horrible. And if anyone says anything bad about My Thing, I swear I'll find a way to block you from my blog. I don't want bad-mouthing, just advice as in "Yes, you have every right to feel the way you do" or "No, you are a jealous psycho and The Thing loves you so get over it" kind of advice....
Anyway, this woman....She is the woman that he cheated on one of his ex-girlfriends with...he was honest enough to offer up this information on his own quite a while ago. He felt, after knowing what a cheater The Paperweight was, that I had the right to know that he had once cheated...and that he still occasionally saw this woman on a 'friends' basis.
In the beginning of December, he went to a concert with his brother and this woman. I knew all about it ahead of time...and he was very honest the next day about what happened. The Thing told her all about me (like, apparently, he has done with all his friends) and told her how he felt about me. She reacted in true friend fashion, asking questions and telling him she was happy for him.
Until the show...
And she started drinking...
Then she started becoming "possessive"...
And she hit on him...
"hit on" = trying to hold his hand in the car on the way home and then, when arriving at her place, she "kept trying to kiss" him and he told her repeatedly "this isn't going to happen" and then he returned to the car and took his brother home. She then called his cell phone where they "talked for over an hour."
I schedule this week off, as I do every year. And I was quite flattered when The Thing informed me that he schedule time off this week as well so that we could spend time together. At least, that was what he originally said. I knew he had to work today, but then he's off the rest of the week. Originally, he would be here either after work tonight or tomorrow (Wednesday, when most of you will be reading this). When he left here Christmas Eve, he informed me he didn't know when he would be back because he had a lot of stuff to catch-up on that he had been putting off...possibly Thursday night...but he didn't want to say for sure in case it was later then that. I have to admit, I was really disappointed. I'm not a clingy woman by any means, but I had very much been looking forward to this large chunk of time we were to be spending together.
***amendment to the original post: The Thing's email response to this, and then again when we spoke on the phone this afternoon, had him admently denying that we had set up this "schedule". I, who loathe to argue and will avoid it at all costs, dropped the issue. I do, however, have every single email The Thing ever wrote me...including the one setting up this schedule.
So, to wrap this all up for you...you have My Thing, a woman whom he has a history of cheating on a girlfriend with and who obviously still has feelings for him (or, at least, wants to fuck him) and who made repeated passes at him the last time they were together. And then you have the rescheduling of our time together.
Got it?
Okay...
I received my standard long email this evening from The Thing about his day and how much he loves me...and that he is having dinner with this woman tomorrow night...
Tomorrow afternoon, i'm heading down to ****'s for dinner - probably go somewhere near her place….With any luck, any residual anger or unwelcomed emotions are quelled with my visit tomorrow night. If not, i'll most likely have to cross her off the friend list. Hopefully, it won't come to that.
So...um...
Does it make me a complete psycho that this made me cry a little? What if I tell you that it hurt that he was too busy to keep his original plans with me but he could make time to go out with this woman who he has such a 'history' with? That it scares me that he's still trying to have a relationship with this woman? Is my history with The Paperweight making me read too much in to this? Has living with someone for two decades that I couldn't trust made me question everyone, including a man who has been nothing but wonderful? I mean, think about it…he didn’t have to tell me about seeing her. Right?
Or is this history repeating itself? Am I being one of those women…you know the ones…and all can you think is ‘how could she be so blind?!’ And…I hate to think…did he know about this dinner on Christmas Eve? Is this why he left and wouldn’t spend Christmas with me and the kids?! True, he’s never given me any reason to doubt him or to not trust him…but it has only been two months. Am I being a fool? Again?
posted by ƒåυνέ @ 5:46 PM
12 Comments:
I don't think you're being a fool and I think you're reactions have been perfectly normal for having been what you've been through. But I think you'd have more to worry about if he wasn't being open with you about it. You said you have shared this post with him, so let him answer the questions you have raised. But, for my 2 cents, I'd say that I'd have less respect for a guy who ditched a longtime friend (even a friend of the opposite sex there was a history with) for a girlfriend. That would make me wonder when he would ditch me for someone else. Someone who works to maintain a relationship that is meaningful to them gets points in my book. The past is the past and sometimes it's best to leave it there. You know that you could go out to dinner with Eduardo and have it be totally innocent. I say give Thing the benefit of the doubt unless/until he gives you reason not to. Hugs
Dear, dear Fauvie,
I can understand so well what you're going through because, well, "been there, done that". Not with my sweet Hermit, of course, but the guy I was dating before I met Hermit. (I knew that guy would eventually cheat on me if I stayed with him, because he didn't love me enough not to.)
Aren't the confused emotions that come with loving someone awful at times? The insecurity does such a good job of messing with your confidence in yourself, by questioning the relationship you have, and your confidence in the The Thing and whether he can be trusted.
Your doubts are valid. I say that not because I mean you should doubt or not trust The Thing - I don't know him or anything about him, except for what you've written, so only you can decide if he is to be trusted. (There are all sorts of questions that come to mind, of course, such as why The Thing cheated on his past girlfriend, because it's not always a clear-cut "Once a cheater, always a cheater". Sometimes people are genuinely confused about their feelings or lost and make stupid decisions - the important factor is that they learn from it and you can believe they won't make that mistake again.)
I say your doubts are valid simply because of what you've been through, not just with Paperweight for so many years but with Eduardo #3. It's natural, when you've been lied to, cheated on or hurt in the past to automatically wonder if the same thing is going to happen again. Your history/baggage makes you vulnerable and so very human.
You've had a wonderful two months with The Thing, but still - it's ONLY been two months. You're still learning about each other. I don't think you should think of yourself as a psycho for being upset about this. I think you're experiencing normal emotions. (Yes, Fauvie, I'm afraid that in some ways you ARE normal.) Only he can dispel those doubts, IF you conclude he's upfront and trustworthy.
You're going to have to decide for yourself if The Thing can be trusted or not. The fact that he doesn't mind you posting this, and that he told you about his encounter with this woman from his past ... both of those are positive signs in my SOMETIMES wrong opinion. He could genuinely have forgotten you had scheduled time together (it is, after all, a crazy, busy time of year). Or he could be lying - I can't help you there. And he could genuinely not understand why spending time with her would upset you, since HE knows he's not going to cheat on you.
However, since I'm female and have always been insecure, it troubles me more than a little that he's going to have dinner with THAT woman. It sounds like he feels she's important enough to try and maintain a relationship with, and I don't like that he's going ahead with the dinner after reading your post and realizing how much this whole situation is upsetting you. I don't like that at all, because I think you and your feelings should matter much more to him. (Unless, of course, HE is insecure about you and doesn't want to cut off ties with THAT woman in case, for some reason, things don't work out with you.)
This didn't help, did it? :( I'm sorry - I want so much to be wise and write exactly what you need to read/hear, but I can't. All I can say is there are men in this world, like my dear Hermit, who truly can be trusted to never cheat. It's not in my nature and it's not in his. I want you to be able to have that sort of trust in a man. I hope that man turns out to be your Thing, because I can see how you love him. But he needs to make you and your feelings / concerns his top priority if he wants to be worthy of you.
That's my opinion, obviously biased towards you because you know I think you're a fabulous person. You're not crazy, just insecure.
As Coolchick would say, *Smoochies*!! I'll be thinking good thoughts of you and evil ones of THAT woman.
Fauve- Like you said, it has only been a couple of months, you two have a lot of growing to go together. Trust is something you earn over time. He may not completely understand how much the paperweight's actions affected you. Just as you had/have to learn that even slight similarities to the paperweight do not mean he is doing the same thing or that you will end up feeling like a fool.
It seems to me he is being on the up and up with you, even if his memory about plans failed him. Yes, SHE is a problem- but he seems to be telling you he is handling it while still trying to remain friends with her. But he HAS drawn a line- and if she crosses it- he is willing to no longer have her as a friend. Give him a chance to try it his way.
I know it is hard to trust based on your past and his confessed past with her...but wouldn't you feel worse if you lost him over some jealous streak and later find out he was innocent and you lost a great guy? Frankly, it takes a lot less time to get over a jerk than a good guy....trust me.
As far as Christmas with you and the kids...don't take it personally. Have you ever gone to someone else's Christmas? Even if you know them, it is 'strange' because it it not yours...Give him some space...more time together will take care of that akwardness. Next year you can ask about some of his traditions and include some of them....then it will be "YOUR" Christmas.
Hugs XOXO
Wow, I have nothing really new to add. 3 very eloquent women beat me to it.
You have every right to feel wary and even afraid, hon. Just don't let that fear stop you from going forward. Talk to him and take it one day at a time.
Warm and Fuzzy Thoughts Flying Your Way!!!
K
It's been a long time...I'm going to give my two cents even though everyone else said pretty much the same thing.
1) You have very valid reasons for feeling the way you do.
2) What is his reasoning for keeping a friendship that is based on mistrust and cheating? What is he gaining from keeping this friendship?
3) It's obvious this woman wants to get in between the two of you for the sake of competition. "can I still lure him away from someone else?" "Is he still attracted to me?" It's jealousy.
4) Does he like it that he has two women vying for his attention?
5) Just because a man says he's been up front and honest with you doesn't necessarily mean a thing. For example, have you ever heard of a man doing what he wants to do and then falling back on "Well, I've always been up front and honest with you"
6) If this person is just a friend, then why doesn't he invite you to go out with them and meet her too? Or is he afraid of HER reaction?
It's been two months, try to live your life as if it doesn't revolve around him. Go out with your friends, make plans with your kids. Take one day at a time.
Here's my advice. It's based on my own personal experience, which may vary from yours.
My insticts are always correct. Usually I mistrust them because I feel like I'm being paranoid. But if something is wrong then I know it and I usually know what it is even if I don't want to admit it. I still haven't learned to completely trust my gut, but I do at least listen to it now.
It sounds like your thing's friend is someone he wants to keep as a friend. It sounds like he wants to try to repair the awkwardness and difficulty of their last encounter. That's not a bad thing. I've had my own awkward events in the past due to a new relationship and I understand that feeling. Whether or not she's worth it may be something he needs to judge based on their next encounter.
And there's nothing wrong with trying to save a friendship. From what you've said, I really think that's what he's trying to do. I would give him the benefit of the doubt about it, but I'd also be sensitive to changes in him in the future. I guess that might be paranoia, but I think it's just common sense. If he is untrustworthy (and I don't think you have reason to believe he is right now), then he'll give you reason to doubt him in the future.
As for the plans, that is unsettling. It might just be a difference in perspective. Maybe he thought he was just proposing a plan, but didn't think you guys had settled on anything. Or maybe he is backing out on the plans. Only you know that for sure. If you feel positive that he changed plans on you and it couldn't be a misunderstanding, then I'd be more worried. But more likely than not it was just a misunderstanding or difference in the way you two saw the "plans".
All I can say is that I hope it all works out. You're not being paranoid or acting any differently than any other woman would (unless the woman chose to ignore it and lie to herself that it bothered her). And you're dealing with this all just fine. Be confident in yourself and give yourself credit for being a sane, normal person. Because you are.
Fauvie, my dear, your reaction is pretty normal, particularly based on your history with Mr. Paperweight. I love that The Thing is attempting to maintain his friendship with this woman, and other female friends. He's young, social and it's normal to remain friendly with previous "encounters". Just because he cheated with her doesn't make her the love of his life -- she was just an encounter. Sometimes those people make good friends, because you've been there, don't want to go back, so you don't think about it. However, her drunken attempts tell me she's willing to go there again, and he's dealing with it appropriately. It does sound like he's trying to keep her as a friend, but he's willing to let her go if she's not on board with the fact that he's not going to sleep with her. That's a good thing. Let him try to deal with her, and I'm sure he'll tell you all about their dinner conversation.
And remember that this week is busy for everyone, even those people who have the week off. There is a lot going on, and The Thing probably has had stuff to get done. He'll be back, and will be devoting his time to you shortly. Remember to give him space and breathing room, which is something we women forget that men absolutely require, despite their devotion to us. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Plan a little something special for him when he does show up. (after the kids are in bed, of course)
Now, take a deep breath, relax, and remember, you're normal.
*smoochies*
The fact that has been so honest with you about stuff that you never had to know about tells me that The Thing is doing his very best to be an honorable man.
As to why he wants to continue to be friends with this woman, well, I can only assume that the sex was a very small part of their relationship and he wants to preserve the non-sex part.
I do believe that he is acting honorably. I believe that he'll continue to do so.
But I don't think you're crazy to have those worries. To this day, I sometimes react to something Pookie has said or done the way I would have reacted to the Ex doing the same thing.
Only, they're not the same. Not even close. Pookie is an honorable, upstanding guy, and the Ex was a big puddle of poo. (I know, classy, right?)
I hope it works out all right, but I definitelt think the guy deserves a chance to resolve this. Also, I think it would be a good idea to let the other girl know to step off, beeyotch.
you know, i would feel exactly like you are now, and i wasnt married to the paperweight..but i have been crushed by a man...so i guess we are on the same page when it comes to that. I would be very upset he changed teh schedule, would wonder why he didnt stay for christmas and then would freak about him having dinner with the girl instead of being with me. so...advice..um...i dunno, other then i would cry too and your justified in how you feel.
Frequent lurker, first time commenter - but had to on this one. I am in the process of removing my own paperweight - and have found my own "Thing" for around six months now. We have a mutual girlfriend. It is a constant struggle. Even though I trust him, it chews at my insides. Why? Because I'm jealous of his time that he would spend with her and not me. Because I want him to spend his time with me, dammit. This is ridiculous, I think. They were friends before, they should be able to be friends now. The added portion of her making the moves, well, I might want to kick her ass...but it sounds like he handled it just fine. I think post divorce (or mid as my case is) we have heightened sensitivity in relationships - it's been a while since we've had them, and when you've been scarred, well, it's just that much harder. And as to Christmas - give him time. If he's a keeper, and it certainly sounds like he is (talking through issues, coming clean...shocking), you'll have many Christmases to share in the future. My heart goes out to you because I know how damn hard it all really is.
And further more....ask yourself this:
Is this what I wish to have in my life? To share my life with a man who has a girl friend? You know what I mean.
Dude "you are a jealous psycho and The Thing loves you so get over it"
Ha. I kill me. Glad things have worked out. I've gotta start reading more often!
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