Try to wish a guy happy birthday....

From: Fauve
Sent: Wednesday, January 30, 2008 12:41 PM
To: T (Girlfriend's Husband)
Subject: I almost forgot...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

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From: T
Sent: Wednesday, January 30, 2008 12:44 PM
To: Fauve
Subject: RE: I almost forgot...

Well thank you, ma’am. I feel considerably older today than I did when I went to bed last night. I’m probably going to die soon.

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From: Fauve
Sent: Wednesday, January 30, 2008 12:49 PM
To: T
Subject: RE: I almost forgot...

I know. We have a poll going. If you could kick off in March, I'd really appreciate it. xxoo

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From: T
Sent: Wednesday, January 30, 2008 12:56 PM
To: Fauve
Subject: RE: I almost forgot...

March, eh? Will you get extra payout if I go violently, or get tortured, or kill myself? I mean, anything I can do to help out!

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From: Fauve
Sent: Wednesday, January 30, 2008 1:17 PM
To: T
Subject: RE: I almost forgot...

I get $100 for any day or method of death in March. That gets doubled if you die on the 21st or if you die with a fork in the skull. $500 if it's both, but only if it's Girlfriend wielding the fork.
An extra $100 gets added for any/each of the following:
• If your death makes it in to the local news; obituary doesn't count.
• If there is a goat involved in any way.
• If Barry Manilow is playing when your body is found
• If you are killed by a midget.
• If you kill yourself because of a midget.
• If the autopsy shows you were pregnant with or impregnated by a midget.

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From: T
Sent: Wednesday, January 30, 2008 2:14 PM
To: Fauve
Subject: RE: I almost forgot...

Holy crap…the amount of effort that went into this is creepy. And I appreciate it fully – I would expect nothing less!

I have two very important questions. First, if Girlfriend and/or Barry Manilow has their legs cut off at the knee, would they then be considered midgets? Second, does a midget singing like Barry Manilow count?

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From: Fauve
Sent: Wednesday, January 30, 2008 2:49 PM
To: T
Subject: RE: I almost forgot...

1. No. It would have to be an actual midget. However, it's a moot point because I doubt either Girlfriend or Barry could kill you if they were dealing with the fact that their legs had been cut off. Even Girlfriend, the tougher of the two, would be slowed down considerably.
2. Totally. Though if you could get the goat to sing like Barry Manilow, I'd be really impressed.

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From: T
Sent: Wednesday, January 30, 2008 3:28 PM
To: Fauve
Subject: RE: I almost forgot...

Hmm. This all brings into question; would teaching a goat to sing like Barry Manilow really be worth the effort that would be required to do so if I was just going to be killed when my mission was accomplished? And if I did get that done, what would happen to the goat when I was gone?

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From: Fauve
Sent: Wednesday, January 30, 2008 3:48 PM
To: T
Subject: RE: I almost forgot...

Well, you're assuming that you're going to be killed. We only expect you to die soon, not necessarily be murdered. Though, if I had to be murdered, it would be pretty cool to have it done by a Barry Manilow singing goat. Now that would get you in the news.
But perhaps the pride of teaching the goat to sing will cause your heart to burst?

They'll be plenty of room in the new house with you gone. I'm sure a he'd make a lovely addition to the Music Room.

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From: T
Sent: Wednesday, January 30, 2008 3:50 PM
To: Fauve
Subject: RE: I almost forgot...

Ah, so what you’re saying is that I may have a highly advanced disease that is, unbeknownst to me, waiting to strike at any moment? And if I’ve only got until March…
I’ve got some things that I’ve got to take care of.

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From: Fauve
Sent: Wednesday, January 30, 2008 3:57 PM
To: T
Subject: RE: I almost forgot...

[sigh] That's what I've been trying to tell you....HAVE A HAPPY BIRTHDAY....ya old geezer.