And a part of me is disappointed

I've been carefully avoiding details for a little while now waiting to see what would happen. It's been over a week so I guess it's time for an update on the Paperweight drama. He got close when he asked me about scheduling times, but he never got around to making an appointment for us to see a marriage counselor. That, combined with some recent incidents, led me to the decision that I need to move on. I told him to forget the counseling and to just pack up the rest of his shit and get out of my house. He's not free to come and go at his whim to see the kids anymore, I have strict times when he can be there (though it's still daily, so it's not like I'm a total bitch). No using my computer, no throwing clothes in my washer, no mooching food out of my fridge. And I told him to start coughing up the money for the kids or my lawyer would get it from him. The question has been posed many times, by myself and others....am I still in love with him? I think I'm in love with the man I fell in love with....kwim? He's just not that man anymore and, of course, there isn't anything I can do about that. Granted, I am not the same woman that he fell in love with. I'm not (as much as I loathe to admit it) that bubbly carefree 19 year old anymore. However, over the years, I've moved forward. I grew up, went to college, got a job and started taking care of a family. I've grown emotionally and spiritually. Paperweight, for the most part, is in the same place he was when we met. All those dreams and aspirations he had (and we had) never materialized. The only reason we have kids is because I went off the Pill and he was too lazy to do anything to prevent it himself. And in some ways, he's gone in reverse. That strong, supportive, spiritual man I fell in love with turned in to a whiny couch potato. But I remember. I remember the man who, when on the drive to see me, would stop his car periodically to pick me wild flowers. The man who took the day off work so he could walk me to my classes on my first day of college because I was so nervous. The one who left to go buy a rocking chair for the nursery the day he put his hand on my belly and felt his child kick for the first time. I'm in love with him. Anyways, what has reaction been to all of this? After our 'discussion', he stopped by the next morning and dropped of a check. In full. Four days early. He comes in the allotted time frame to visit the kids. He leaves. That's it. Not a comment, complaint or word otherwise.

despite all my rage i am still just a rat in a cage

And while the Smashing Pumpkins will do on occassion, mostly I've been in a Nine Inch Nails frame of mind lately; the right combination of bitterness and sexual tension, wouldn't you say? Sometimes songs express feelings so well. Though LoisLane has been doing a pretty good job of hitting the nail on the head over at her place, not just one post but the last four.... And if that list of your wants and needs aren't met? What then? How long is too long to stand by your man? I think that after a while, it turns in to plain stupidity. However.... What if they refuse to let you go? To move on? To heal? Anyone else have The Supremes running through their head? I do. It's been there for days now. *Regarding the Joaquin thing, despite the fact that he really is a babe, please remember how long it has been since I've had sex. I'm starting to find all sorts of people really really attractive. The boy has been on an MTV2 kick lately and I'm starting to have really pleasant dreams about Bam Margera.

Let's talk about sex, baby

let's talk about you and me..hummmmmm ::sigh:: Don't you just love sex? Is there anything better? The sexual tension before hand...the knowing glances...that slight touch, that signal that lets you know what is going to happen. The initial kisses soft and slow. The heat they create. That heat that slowly spreads through your body. Hot skin, passionate searching lips, urgency. Tugged clothing, tugged hair.... God, do I miss it.... Joaquin baby, if you're out there....call me!

Fork In The Head Friday

Can't believe I almost forgot this! I read about it a few days ago and would certainly like to stab Miss Sharon Stone in the head.

Kathie Lee Gifford Likes to Fuck

In the interest of being interesting (and actually being in a good mood today instead of my recently normal ole whiny bitter bitchy self), I leave you with the funniest thing I've ever read to date. Plus, I like the title.

reflection vs. bullshit

Wow, I'm slacking on posting this week, aren't I? I think I've been living in my head too much lately and there is that slight fear of letting you guys in on what's in there. Yeah, I know some of you are thinking 'what in the world hasn't she talked about?' But, oh, you'd be surprised what all goes on in this head of mine. I wonder where that line is between 'reflection on your marriage to decide if you want to continue or not' and 'living in the past by dredging up a lot of bullshit'. Take a specific incident, look at it....do you say, "omg, he's such an ass. I can't believe I stayed married to him" or do you say, "omg, that was 9 years ago, get over it already". I ask because Paperweight asked me yesterday if there was a particular day or time for me that would be best, since he was calling to make an appointment, to go to counseling with him. Granted, I don't think he's actually made an appointment yet, though I'll probably hear from him about it today. But suppose we do go. Where's that line? Do we start with the most current bullshit and work our way backwards? Or vice versa? If we get over the old hurts, will that make today's stuff easier? This whole line of thinking kept me wide awake last night pretty much reliving my entire relationship with the Paperweight. And I came to the conclusion, that we should have never gotten married. Not that I'm saying that we shouldn't have stayed together. We just shouldn't have gotten married. That's when things changed....and I mean that very day....I honestly don't think he wanted to get married and did it only to please me. Yes, I've asked him and yes, he's denied it. However, all evidence has been to the contrary. However, we did get married. So here we are. Now what?

Quips and wails and puppy dog tales

I've been thinking a lot about the past this week. Maybe it's the holiday. Maybe it's PMS. Who knows? One of my neighbors got a new puppy recently and it started me thinking this morning about something that happened a while back, oh, about 5 or 6 years ago.... Paperweight called me at work one day and told me he had a surprise for me. Now that, in itself, was a surprise. He doesn't do the surprise/romantic/think about someone besides himself thing. He told me he bought me a puppy. I had wanted a puppy for like, forever. I loved puppies. I loved little dogs and this was a wee bitty dachshund. Now, this was even sweeter when you know that he's just not a little dog kind of guy. They aren't "real" dogs, he claims. So the fact that he actually got one that he knew I would love...well, it was just the nicest thing he'd done in years. (insert your deep romantic sigh here) I just bubbled all over him. I was so excited I thought I'd pee my pants. I told all the girls at work and we talked about names and I promised them pictures of my new sweet little puppy. So I get home from work that afternoon and our boy comes running out the door holding the puppy just grinning from ear to ear and jumping with excitment. Guess what? he says to me. Dad bought me my very own puppy. He can sleep in my room, on my bed, and I think I'll name him Butthead...... I....was crestfallen.... I....was crushed.... Paperweight, thought I was over-reacting. It belongs to the family, he says, and I shouldn't be so selfish. It occurred to me this morning, for the first time ever, that I've been a cat person for years. I hate dogs. I can't stand dogs. I yell at them whenever I seem them and they're all jumpy and sniffy and smelly. EW! Give me a cat anyday..... And it finally dawned on me, this morning, that this attitude started on that day....

Fork in the Head Friday

Okay, I happen to like my roast beef sandwiches warm too....but come on!

You always find a way to keep me right here waiting

So it's been three months since the Paperweight walked out. In that time he's given me $800. Total. For two kids. According to the Pennsylvania Child Support Estimate calculator, that's how much I should be receiving each month. It's been two months since Paperweight asked to move back home. You may recall that I said I wouldn't even consider it until we started seeing a marriage counselor. He said he'd find one and make an appointment. It's been two months. Nothing. I brought it up at the one month mark and he claimed to have found a therapist but hadn't yet had time to call and make an appointment. Um, that's some busy schedule, isn't it? Yeah, I think he's trying to keep me hanging. He knows I don't want to go the lawyer route if we decide to go to counseling and work things out. And he knows that if I do get a lawyer, I'm going all the way. I don't do things half-assed, and I don't procrastinate. When I decide to do something, I do it. I think it's time for another confrontation....

Lemonade Sequel

I posted recently about a fairly new twist in the age old fight of Pro-Lifers vs. Pro-Choicers. I received comments and a couple messages, that the Pledge-a-Pickter link was down and some visitor's here wanted to contribute. If you are interested, I contacted the agency and here is a link that works.

This time, the virus came before the cluster fuck

So it's been 5 days since I've been able to post here. Ironically, it's been in these last days that I've needed to vent the most. My home computer caught a nasty virus last week (probably due to teenage son being hormonal when I'm not home) and has been on its last legs. Luckily, it is now in the capable hands of a dear friend of mine, Big Daddy (smooch baby), who will hopefully have it back to me soon. And my work week ended as one major cluster fuck. Yes, I know it is taboo to talk about your work place on your blog. However, I will go in to no details and I'm assuming that 80% of the offices out there normally contain cluster fucks, so mine shall be hard to pick out of the bunch. But I survived and assume I will continue to survive. I just think it's a shame that the only place I can get fucked nowadays is at work. Think my boss would kiss me if I asked?

The Indie Virus

I always knew that eventually I would catch something.... Don't worry it's not a bad virus but a good one and if I had to catch it from anyone, I'm glad it was Jac. Make sure you visit this wonderfully intelligent and beautiful woman and thank her for me. ::cough, cough:: Anyways, I have been tagged to do The Indie Virus! and I am supposed to tag someone else so we can all link to that blog as well and so on and so forth....yada, yada, yada I just have to pick Keb at What the... I love her wit, humor, sarcasm and ability to find humor in every day life. Though I admit to being a tad jealous of her because she thought up the term Vile Teenager before I did.

White Trash

I almost stabbed one of my neighbors in the head with a fork last night. I think if my children hadn't been there, I really would have done it. However, if my kids hadn't been there, I probably wouldn't have been nearly as ticked. We've had some minor problems with this woman and her son before. Just your typical white-trash-neighbor kind of problems. Well, apparently we ticked her off because....well, because we aren't white trash. We don't like her dogs running loose and pooping in our yard and digging through our garbage cans. We don't like her little boy because he's a spoiled brat. He tags along behind my 15 yr old who doesn't want to play with him - not just because he's a brat, but because he's 9 yrs old as well. Anyway, he runs home crying to his mother when my boy won't play with him and she comes out yelling at my son. I've always thought - lady, why in the hell would you want your 9 yr old to be playing with 15 yr old boys?!?! Anyway, I'm sorting through the mail in my bedroom last night when I hear all of this screeching on my front porch. I go out to find this lady and my son in a verbal battle. This lady dropped the F-bomb at least 3 times just that I heard when I went out. My little one, of course, had tagged along behind me and was standing there as well. The first thing out of my mouth, because I had no clue what was actually being fought about, was to tell this lady to watch her mouth. Her response? "He cursed at me first".......Yep, I shit you not. That's what she actually said to me. I still have no complete idea what the problem was because my response to her was, "He's a teenager - and I'll deal with him - but you are supposed to be an adult." She cursed at me and told me she was going to call the landlord (we have the same). I couldn't help it, I was so pissed by this point I couldn't mind my manners.....so I said, "Oh my God, what are you? 3? You're going to "tell" on us?" And she said, "Yes. And next time I'll call the police" and she stormed off. Um, yeah.... So, of course, I talked to my son. Apparently, he was skateboarding and this little kid wanted to play with him. My boy said No. This kid kept chasing after him while he was skateboarding and eventually, there was a collision. This kid went to his mother and told her my boy hit him. Now, granted, this is my son's version. But it's currently the only version I have. Apparently this woman was more interested in screaming 'fuck you' to a 15 yr old - and in front of a 3 yr old - rather then discuss any problems with me. sigh How sad is this world?