reflection vs. bullshit
Wow, I'm slacking on posting this week, aren't I? I think I've been living in my head too much lately and there is that slight fear of letting you guys in on what's in there. Yeah, I know some of you are thinking 'what in the world hasn't she talked about?' But, oh, you'd be surprised what all goes on in this head of mine. I wonder where that line is between 'reflection on your marriage to decide if you want to continue or not' and 'living in the past by dredging up a lot of bullshit'. Take a specific incident, look at it....do you say, "omg, he's such an ass. I can't believe I stayed married to him" or do you say, "omg, that was 9 years ago, get over it already". I ask because Paperweight asked me yesterday if there was a particular day or time for me that would be best, since he was calling to make an appointment, to go to counseling with him. Granted, I don't think he's actually made an appointment yet, though I'll probably hear from him about it today. But suppose we do go. Where's that line? Do we start with the most current bullshit and work our way backwards? Or vice versa? If we get over the old hurts, will that make today's stuff easier? This whole line of thinking kept me wide awake last night pretty much reliving my entire relationship with the Paperweight. And I came to the conclusion, that we should have never gotten married. Not that I'm saying that we shouldn't have stayed together. We just shouldn't have gotten married. That's when things changed....and I mean that very day....I honestly don't think he wanted to get married and did it only to please me. Yes, I've asked him and yes, he's denied it. However, all evidence has been to the contrary. However, we did get married. So here we are. Now what?
posted by ƒåυνέ @ 8:02 AM
6 Comments:
I say go to counseling. Maybe it can help and it certainly is worth it for the children's sake. My husband and I went to counseling and it was one of the best decisions we've ever made as a couple.
I know the feeling of looking back and thinking "we never should have," but you can't really undo what's been done. Wish I could help you on the counseling front, but my ex and I were so bad at it that they split us up after one session. Hugs.
Hello! stumbled across your site last week and read through it, starting at the beginning. I was married to my EX for 23 years, separated 4 times (once for almost 2 years), the last being the final. We went to counseling also, didn't do us any good together, but it helped me tremendously!!! One thing 'she'(get a woman) said to me that probably was the beginning of the end was, "he loves you, he just doesn't love you the way you want to be loved". When she said that, I KNEW we were done. It took a few more months, maybe a year, but I finally kicked him out. Yes, we talked about getting back together, but it would of been the same ole, same ole. I was tired of it and ready to move on. It took me months before I did and I cried myself to sleep numerous times. I'm SO glad I moved on, cause I'm now married to the man of my dreams and I'm the woman of his dreams. We are very happy!!! I could write a book on this subject, but let's just say, you have to do what you have to do and do it for yourself and no one else. Not even the kids. When I told my kids we were finally getting a divorce, BOTH of them said, "it's about time". They lived through our hell and their own personal hell with all that went on in the house.
As far as the counselor, we went and asked for a woman. We chatted with the 'head person' to get an idea of who we should be placed with. We then set up an appt to talk to her together, where we decided that each of us would see the counselor on our own and then come together when it was time, which we did 2-3 months later. We ended up seeing her for about 2 months, but decided to quit. Either way, she did well by me.
While I would never propose that I had the answer. I have marriage doubts/questions/fears/wonders, etc of my own. However, I would say if he is willing to go to counseling, maybe, just maybe it will help. Then you have to ask yourself if this is what you really, really want. Would you be happier together? Are you still in love? Or is it a matter of comfort, convenience and slipping back into a routine? That is just the tip of the ole’ ice burg from my end. Not that I’m qualified at all to throw that your way. However, I’ve spent since November thinking and weighing these very same things and I don’t have my own answers either.
I've had a chance to read most of your blog and my favorite blurb was "pimple on the end of your nose"
This is a wonderful time in your life. Your looking at your marriage as well as yourself. I think it's important for you to visit some of your older postings to see just how far you have come in such a short period of time.
Marriage is a funny thing, it allows us to keep blinders on and just keep going thru the day-to-day without really giving it much thought. I'm not sure why we do that, except to say,,,,,that once we step away from our lives for a bit, we can see more clearly the direction were headed or where we might wanna be in life and if we have actually gotten there.
I think you will find all the answers within yourself and also thru the wonderful responses you have been given as to where to look for some of your answers. They are in your grasp and just waiting for you to tap into them.
Your a thoughtful and intelligent women.The intelligent part of you will find the answers, while the thoughtful and caring person will help guide you thru this once she realizes that it's ok and not a selfish act to start taking care for yourself emotionally.
Your doing a wonderful job walking thru your relationship and asking yourself questions. Although this may seem like it takes forever, what you will gain from this, will last a lifetime. I'm also real sure this time in your life will never be forgotten and in the end, no matter what decision you make in regards to your marriage, you will look upon this time as a favorable period in your life.
No matter what happens you've learned a lot about yourself during this time apart. I'm one of those people that's all for doing all you can to make a child's environment stable. But, I don't know. I don't know if that is always possible or will always work out.
I don't think you've become a different person overnight, but there are some very beautiful parts of you that have come to the forefront (in reading your journal) that I think you should not compromise on ever again. You have to be you and you need those things in your life. If you think about those things and recognize them then maybe those are the things you can talk through in counseling and the sort of things Paperweight can come to appreciate.
(Takes a breath after that long run-on sentence.)
There's no reason not to give it a try. There is certainly something good in Paperweight for him to be with you. And compromise is a part of marriage, but there are some things you shouldn't compromise and there are some things that he's going to have to compromise in order for it to work.
Ack, that sounded preachy. Just follow your instinct. You already know it already, you just have to let yourself realize it.
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