Fears and Fouls -a pungent problem

Now everyone has something that they are afraid of, though many are loathe to admit it. I, myself, suffer from a few; Arachnophobia (fear of spiders), Acrophobia (fear of heights), and Apeirophobia (fear of Infinity), all of which are quite common. And none will effect, for the most part, my daily life. Despite never having been in an airplane, a panic attack or two over the thought of 'forever', and some girlish screams at the sight of a Daddy Long Leg, I have managed to become a productive member of society.

And I always remember, it could be worse. I could be like my daughter, who suffers from Neophobia (fear of anything new), Ligyrophobia (fear of loud noises), and Anthropophobia (fear of people in general). Or I could be like my son, who fears absolutely nothing. NOTHING. I've seen the boy do everything from skateboard off the roof of my house to eating raw sardines straight out of a can….he knows no fear. In these cases, it would be a little harder to get along, be it due to hiding in the house or in the hospital in traction.

But it's May again already, which means it's time for another one of my fears to rear it's ugly head. May, when Spring starts to flow into Summer, flowers have bloomed, the sun is shining….and I have my yearly appointment with the gynecologist.

This is actually a bittersweet experience for me. First off, you see, my Gyn is a Hottie. Yep, capital H and double T, Hottie. If given the opportunity and some lube, I would do things to that man's body that would set his exam table on fire. Alas, the H-O-double T-I-E is married….though I'm quite certain she's ugly.

And, admittedly, he being the only man besides the Paperweight to touch my body in years has it's own attraction. And being that I haven't had sex in forever, this year should be particularly interesting.

Anyway, back to my fear. I also happen to suffer from a little less commonly known fear, Autodysomophobia, which is the fear of smelling bad. In my case, it is a very specific fear, otherwise known as The Fear of Foot Funk. Yes, laugh if you will, but do you know the terror of going to a friend's new home and seeing the dreaded notice "Please remove your shoes"? Or the anxiety caused by the coworker who casually says "what's that smell"? Granted, there are an office full of people wearing sandals this time of year and I just gave myself a complete pedicure and foot massage the night before…..but it doesn't stop me from removing the emergency bottle of lilac scented foot spray from my purse and giving a little extra spritz to the tootsies.

Now, as far as I know, if I were to stop and consider rationally, my feet do not actually stink. You may be thinking, why don't I just ask someone? Um, no. No one will ever get that close to my feet (see above about self pedicures) with the exception of….drum roll please…….my Gyn. Yep, I have to have Hottie sit there with his head between my, um, feet. The panic that this instills in me each year is truly mind boggling.

Preparations start a week in advance. I give myself a pedicure and lotion every night. I highly recommend the Dr. Scholl's Pedicure Essentials line. A couple days before, I decide which shoes to wear. I have to schedule my appointments for after work so what ever shoes I choose to wear, will be coming off after having worn them for 11 to 12 hours straight. While you would think sandals would give better ventilation, there is the dirty-feet-factor to consider. I usually choose something in between, like mules. However, they have to be the proper size in order to conceal the new Odor Eater foot pad that I will by and install in said shoe the night before. I also pack a fresh pair of socks to slip on right before the examine, but not before adding a generous dose of foot deodorant powder. And a spritz of that emergency lilac scented spray on the outside of my new socks usually comforts me as I sit on the exam table.

What a girl will go through for a Hottie with a speculum...