This is the land of confusion #2
It never really had a chance
We'd never really make it through
I never think I'd believed
I believed I could get better with you
- Love is not enough by NIN
One of the things I find most troubling is how my view of love has changed. For many years, my picture was in the dictionary next to 'optimistic' with the title Pollyanna underneath. Have you seen the Friends episode of the day when Monica and Chandler are getting married? You first see Monica running in her pajamas out of her bedroom screaming 'I'm getting married today!" She, of course, falls flat on her face, bounces back up and screams, "I think I just cracked a rib but I don't care because today's my wedding day!" Yep, that was me.
I was madly in love and awoke 3 hours earlier then I needed to feeling like a little kid on Christmas morning. Despite the stress of the wedding itself (when do things ever go as planned?) it was beautiful and any time I started to get a wee bit stressed, my loving husband took me aside to hold me in his arms and calm me down.
Late that night, in our honeymoon suite, still glowing, hair still done up, sexy flowing lingerie, I climbed into bed next to this wonderful man of mine. As I snuggled up beside him, he rolled over, looked me in the eye, and said, "Oh my God. We got married. What the fuck did we do that for?"
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The Boy and I had an interesting discussion last Friday night. This was before all of the Saturday bullshit, so I believe he was speaking honestly rather then out of anger. Anyway, I was letting him know that I had a date planned for Thursday; not with Eduardo but with Eduardo #2. Yes, I know that you guys aren't aware of the existence of Eduardo #2, but I'll need to save that for another installment of Fauve's Fucked Up Life. And The Boy wasn't aware of the existence of Eduardo #2 either so he, of course, started asking questions. And I told him. He's almost exactly like Eduardo #1 with the exception of being a few years older. They are both attractive, fun, well-educated (both are working on their doctorates), and well off financially. The Boy said to me, "How did you wind up with dad when you can obviously do so much better?"
Smart kid, eh?
Yes, smart he is…wise in the ways of love? No. You can't help who you fall in love with, I told him. At least, that's what I always thought to be true. There were many differences between The Paperweight and I. He was not the 'man of my dreams' as far as, well, external stuff (money, degrees, etc.). He just was who he was and I fell in love with him. And I, being the young naïve thing I was, truly believed that love was enough. Love conquers all. And as long as we had each other….yada yada yada.
I have since, and quite roughly, grown up.
And I hate it. I hate that I no longer believe. I hate that I've lost the magic of love. I hate that I no longer believe in 'true love'. I hate that I've come to not trust my feelings. I hate that I've come to believe that those feelings don't really exist. I hate that I've become cynical regarding the power of love. I hate...that I hate. Perhaps The Boy is right; that I can do so much better. But I ask myself, why? I know that I can care. I know that I can feel sexual attraction. But love?
posted by ƒåυνέ @ 9:57 AM
9 Comments:
It'll whack you on the head at some point and you'll be tumbling head over heals. Just because you don't feel love now doesn't mean that you won't ever feel it again. You're just not ready yet.
Ordinarygirl couldn't of said it any better!! Personally I was NEVER, NO F*ING way getting married again. After 24 years with my paperweight, I found the man of my dreams....over (work)email/phone. Then we met...OMG, it was heaven!!! We have been married for 3 years now.
I understand what your feeling, I had something similar after being left by my fiance. Nothing like have your eyes opened to reality to make you doubt yourself and the validity of your feelings. I cant tell you it gets better, I think if your lucky it does. I just know its been seven years since i've loved a man and i'm begining to wonder if there is such a thing or if he took that ability with him when he left.
Eduardo no.2?????? What?! How can there be ANOTHER one?
I know what you mean about who you fall in love with. My first "real" boyfriend was a loser, a thief, every other bad thing, but I loved the mess out of him and would be with him TODAY if he were still alive. that's just the way the heart works sometimes.
I truly hope you have a wonderful time with Eduardo #2- and I hope you get the respect and love you so truly deserve.
It's not always easy, but it's possible. Don't give up hope. :)
What is love, anyway? I am not a romantic, I think it is mostly companionship and sexual attraction and not annoying each other too much. But like I said, I'm not a romantic.
I find that for myself, the older I get, the less enchanted I am with the concept of "magical love". I love TheMan, idiot that he is. I can't imagine not being with him but like you, he wasn't/isn't the man of my dreams. However, he is what he was when I married him, albeit a bit more mature now than he was and for now, that works for me.
Of course, I reserve the right to change my mind if/when the time comes.
I think similarly to beth fish... companionship and sexual attraction. However, my hubby and I annoy the hell out of each other! It's just that I'd rather be annoyed than be without him.
You can't help how you feel, in love or cynical about love. And feelings rise and fall, so the magic will return again. Please don't judge yourself for not believing in true love. Could it be that your definition of true love changes as you grow?
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