Girlfriend kept me out late and now I'm too tired to think of a witty title

Okay, so it's very late Wednesday night and I'm just getting around to my weekend news. Get over it. You all (or yinz guys as we say here in the 'burgh) know it was good so it's not like you were being held in suspense. We all blew off Friday and left around lunch time, taking our sweet ole time and missing the weekend/holiday traffic, for the The Thing's house.
We held a picnic on Saturday to introduce the kids to some of Thing's friends (Inigo & Buttercup - I'm sorry you guys couldn't come. You were missed.), Sunday we went to an Oriole's game and then walked around Fell's Point, and Monday we did absolutely nothing but enjoy each other's company which is the best of all. The kids were spoiled by Thing, as always, but especially The Girl. What is it about blue-eyed blonde girls? Thing's yard, much to his friends' amusement, is now adorned with a large red plastic sandbox and various containers of sidewalk chalk & paint. And Thing's spare bedroom holds a pink inflatable princess bed.
Now, there was one thing that happened. I'm not going to say it was good or bad because it was both...and neither. Anyone who has ever parented a 4 year old will know what happens when said child has spent a Sunday afternoon in 94 degree sunshine watching a baseball game for several hours during their usual nap time. For anyone who has never experienced this phenomenon, I'll tell you what happens...meltdown during the car ride home. You so much as look sideways at that sweet little blonde haired thing and she'll shriek bloody murder through blue-eyed tears for 15 straight minutes. If you're lucky. 30 minutes, if you're not.
We were not.
The Thing handled it better then any other 35 year old non-parent I know (and a zillion times better then her own father would have handled it.) He never once lost his patience with her though you could see the look of 'exhaustion' on his face. When we finally arrived home, I got The Girl calmed and started in to her normal bedtime routine. The Thing, being aware that he needed to take care of himself, jumped on his computer while wearing large headphones and vegged out for an hour or so. By the time The Girl was ready for bed, she was calm and The Thing was back to his normal carefree self. They were their usual cute selves full of hugs for each other, all was good and life went on.
Had this been The Paperweight...
Screaming would have ensued in the car (his trying to drown hers out) until everyone was upset and frustrated. He then would have dumped us at the house, leaving me with a girl fraught to hysterics by this point, while he took off for several hours on his own without my having a clue as to where he had gone. But not before screaming at me because The Girl was screaming. Because it would be, of course, my fault. I know this for a fact because it has happened just like that before. Many times. Many many times.
The weird thing is...I've gotten a couple of emails from Thing this week which were almost apologetic for his 'not being used to it'. Ha! I've tried to explain to him that he did well. Parents get frustrated. That's the simple fact. The issue is how you deal with it. And The Thing...well...you know. He's an amazing man.

A girlfriend by any other name would be just as ignorant

While a lot of the suggestions for nicknaming The Paperweight's girlfriend made The Thing and I laugh, loislane's hole punch made us both snort. I, of course, will be more specific, and therefore far raunchier, and make her 3 Hole Punch (get it? 3 holes? I kill me). She may end up 3HP for short, we'll see. And it is the most appropriate, I think. You see, I'm not in to the whole hating the new girlfriend thing really. I've never even met this woman and my kids tell me that she treats them well so there really is no reason (as of yet) to dislike her. True, it may be instinctual to think WTF is this woman thinking?!?! But remember, they have only been together roughly 5 months. I certainly hadn't figured out by 5 months that The Paperweight was, well, a paperweight & an ass. Also, knowing The Paperweight as well as I do, I am 99% sure this woman is nothing but a 'hole punch' to him. So, if anything, I figure she deserves my (our) sympathy. This poor woman has no idea what she is in store for and I only hope that she is smarter then I and gets out before she gets hurt too badly...before he completely demolishes her self worth and esteem and she believes that not only can't she do better but that she doesn't deserve better. Pray that she finds out the truth quickly while there is still time for her to find a Thing of her own.

The Paperweight has a girlfriend

I found this out at our nephew's birthday party when his 5 year old daughter (my great niece) said to me "Paperweight was sad that you guys had a fight but now he's happy because he has a girlfriend. Do you like his girlfriend?"

On the ride home, I asked the kids a couple questions to which they replied to each, in unison, Yes...
Does your dad have a girlfriend? Have you met her? Is she nice to you?

I was going to leave it at that, not wanting to pry the kids, but The Boy then informed me that he figured I knew since it's been about 3 months since they (the kids) found out about her and The Boy says it looked like they have been going out 'a while'. Her name is [to be determined. suggestions welcome], they occasionally eat dinner out together, and The Paperweight whispers into his cell phone when he says 'i love you' which The Boy thinks is freakin' hysterical.

So I've been having mixed feelings about this. As I've mentioned before, The Thing and I have both been wishing for The Paperweight to get a girlfriend so as to occupy some of his time and get him off our backs and maybe out of my hair for an entire day. So when I first heard, I was all 'Thank you God! Too bad he couldn't drop dead, but this will do.'
Yes, I really do talk to God like that.
He doesn't seem to mind. I mean, at least I talk to Him, right?

The thing is, I've asked The Paperweight at least twice in the last 3 months if he was seeing anyone. I even tried to sound encouraging hoping he'd get himself a life and leave me alone for a while. Every time, he's denied it, saying he doesn't want to date because that would take time away from his kids (duh, that's the point. and when the fuck did you become dad-of-the-year?)

So I then found myself getting a little pissed. Well, actually, anger came a little bit later. At first, within about 15 minutes after I found out, while I was still at my nephew's party, I found myself becoming quite...um...embarrassed. Okay, let's be honest. I started to feel humiliated. To find out from my 5 year old great niece that my kids have been spending time with this woman who I didn't even know existed...and apparently that I'm the last person to know...
It was like living the end of my marriage all over again; where he's banging somebody and everyone seems to know about it but me. I hate feeling like an idiot or like people are whispering about me behind my back. He knows I don't care who he dates, why does he feel the need to make a game out of it?

And it was after I got a little more info (like her name) that a light bulb went off. The Girl had mentioned her before. At the time, I mentioned it to The Paperweight and he laughed shrugging it off, like 'oh, you know how she is'. The Girl is known for making up imaginary friends so I bought it and didn't think twice. So not only was The Paperweight straight out lying to my face, but was going as far as to make it look like his own daughter was a liar. Who does that?!?! And why?!
But then again, he lied to me about dating women while we were married, so I really shouldn't be surprised that he's lied to me since we've gotten divorced, eh?

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The kids and I took the day off and are leaving around lunch time today. We are headed to The Thing's house for the long Memorial Day Weekend. Have a great weekend everyone and I'll see you on Tuesday!

Since I'm too lazy to write anything else...

A completely random fact meme is the way to go. And since loislane tagged me last week, I happen to have a meme handy.
Rules: Each person tagged gives 7 random facts about themselves. Those tagged need to write the 7 facts in their blogs , as well as the rules of the game. Then tag seven others and list their names on your blog. You have to leave those you plan on tagging a note in their comments so they know that they have been tagged and to read your blog.

1. My breakfast this morning consisted of oatmeal and a sugar cookie.

2. I've been known to pretend to be drunker then I actually am so as to be able to say things or do things that I wouldn't normally do...then I have an excuse if I make an ass out of myself. I can just say 'I was really drunk!'.

3. I use my breasts to my advantage at every opportunity.

4. I spent 6 weeks in a drug rehab when I was 15. I've never touched an illegal substance since then.

5. I really do wish The Paperweight dead on a daily basis.

6. The Paperweight has a girlfriend. Okay, so that's not technically a fact about me, except that I just found out about it on Sunday. Yes, I'll give you all the details and the fucked up story about how I found out, but you're just going to have to wait until I have more time.

7. I quit smoking 15 days ago. :)

And I'm not bothering to tag anyone because the the whole point of me doing this meme today was to shirk off any actual work. So, I'll pull an Arwen and tag you if you're reading this...And don't you dare come read this and not comment with at least one fact; I got a new stat counter, so if you're here, I'll know...Muuhaahahah!

I'm going to go to the bathroom now and lube myself up with some anti-itch cream*

The Boy passed his exam on Saturday and now has his Learner's Permit. We've had two driving lessons since then and I must say, he's not nearly as bad as I feared. Though, I will admit I had to re-dye my hair a little earlier this month then normal.

Mother's Day consisted of staying in bed until 10am, drinking coffee brought to me by The Boy, opening presents and watching Six Feet Under. Why can't all Sundays be like that?

Well, not all Sundays. Because there is the one I spent with The Thing weekend before last that I never got around to telling you about. A beautiful sunny Sunday afternoon that contained large quantities of both sex and tequila...and not always as separate entities. Life is good.

*Girlfriend had/has a bad case of poison ivy and actually said this to me at work last week. Go mock her...er...I mean, wish her well.

Also on Mother's Day, The Paperweight came to play with The Girl for 2 hours while The Boy took me out to lunch - something The Boy has been doing every Mother's day since he was 9. Sweetie, ain't he? Anyway, lunch was awesome, of course, but we returned home to find The Girl outside in her wading pool...it's May...in Pittsburgh...I think it was all of 66 degrees. As we pull in to the driveway to see this, The Boy says, "What the fuck is he doing? It's not warm enough for her to go swimming!" Ah...at least The Girl has one responsible male role model in her life.

My car (227,651 miles) was overheating on the way in to work this morning. I'll be leaving work early to take it to the garage. When I had it there at the end of last summer, I was warned that my water pump wasn't going to last much longer. This may be the end. Let us all bow our heads and take a moment of silence...

Fork in the Head Friday: The Damn Shaniqua! You need to get yourself some douche* Edition

So where did we leave off? Oh yes, The Paperweight thought it would be a good idea to ruin my life, uh, I mean...my bathroom floor due to a leaking toilet**. I sent him the 'you need to pay for this' email on Monday. I did not hear a word about it until yesterday. I was going to post about it last night but figured it would make a beautiful Fork in the Head Friday.
The Paperweight called me at the office late yesterday afternoon and straight off said, "I want to make you an offer." um....you're scared now too, aren't you?
Me: 'Okay, an offer for what?'
Ass: 'I'll remove the rest of the tile from the bathroom and install the new tile'
Me: 'Um'
Ass: 'I do feel bad that I messed up the floor so I'll install the new tile'
Me: 'Um, well, thank you. But I can install flooring, that's not really the big deal. It's who's going to pay for this new flooring?'
Ass: 'Oh, I'm even offering to pay for it.'
Me: sitting in stunned silence. Do I point out that this is not an offer but a demand I made 4 days ago that he has ignored up until this point? Or do I just let it go and get my damn floor fixed?
Yeah, you know me. I know he's an ass. You know he's an ass. If he needs to live in his delusional little world where he's a stand up guy by 'offering' to pay for his ex-wife's new floor, well fine. But I want my fucking new floor and I want The Paperweight to pay for it. If he needs to do this shit in order to feel better about it, I'll let it go. And shove another fork in the forehead of the Voodoo doll.
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* Said by Girlfriend at the office yesterday and we both thought it would make a damn fine post name. Don't you agree?

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**It is said that the direction water flows down a drain (clockwise or counterclockwise) is dependent on which side of the equator you live on. The Thing swears my toilet flushes in the 'wrong' direction. This theory is called The Coriolis Effect, though it is actually just an urban myth. So it is quite possible my toilet goes down the "wrong" way, but it really has nothing to do with me me living over a hell mouth or anything. Though I do.

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As you've probably heard, a group has organized a petition to Gov. Schwarzenegger to grant clemency to Paris Hilton. Here's a petition asking him not to:

No Clemency For Paris Hilton

Where the fuck have you been?

I know, I know...life got in the way again but you'll get over it. Why? Because I'll tell you a story to appease your wearied souls and have you reaching for your forks. But, you'll need to get in line...

I haven't done a shot in 17 years, but if there was a time I was going to do a shot, Sunday night would have been perfect. I came home from a weekend trip to The Thing's (more details to come, hopefully tomorrow, but don't hold your breathe) to find that The Paperweight's asshole tendencies had struck again. Apparently, my toilet (which, according to Thing flushes the wrong way. Once again, a discussion for another day) had begun leaking from in between the toilet base and the floor. Did this cause The Paperweight to clean up the floor tile and caulk said leak? Did he call a plumber? Did he at least call me and tell me what was going on? Um...noooo, on all accounts. That would make too much sense for him.
Instead, he tore up the (since discontinued and therefore irreplaceable) floor tiles completely surrounding the toilet and just let the toilet continue to leak on the sub floor.

He's so stupid, I really wonder how he doesn't fall down more.

I made him caulk around the base of the toilet thereby fixing the leak that began all of the trouble, but I now have a 1 foot minimum area around my toilet that is nothing but bare concrete slab. Really....what do you say to that?
All I could manage that night was a, "I really wish you hadn't done that" and left it at that...cause, you know...it's hard to even get angry anymore. It's more of just... Have you ever seen/read 'Of Mice and Men'?
The Paperweight is my Lennie.

The next morning, I sent him a "You know...this isn't your house anymore and you can't just walk into someone else's house and tear out their floor and so, yeah, you're going to pay to replace it" email.
Not a word has been said in response from him.

Maybe he fell down somewhere.

How fast it goes...

Happy 16th Birthday to The Boy

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And I'd like to thank each and everyone of you for the unanimous decision voting Joke #2 the funniest. Besides being the right choice, it was my choice. The Thing, however, is mourning his loss and has worked 'gwapes' into every conversation in retaliation.

It's a good thing he's cute.