I've failed as a mother

With all of my grandiose ideas about teaching my kids to read and learn stuff, I completely neglected some of the finer points of childhood. And after a 20 minute conversation with The Girl yesterday trying to explain who Marvin the Martian is and why 'Where's the kaboom?' is so damn funny and her just totally not getting it...I realized what a loser I truly am.

Or she is.
I haven't really decided which.

But I did, in an attempt to redeem us both, order a crap load of dvds this morning because, with God as my witness, no child of mine shall ever utter "Who's Bugs Bunny?" again.

The true joy of raising children...

is reading their literature.
Sure, kids are cute and make you lovingly crafted macaroni picture frames. But I've decided that if you've never had the pleasure of reading things like Dahl's Danny the Champion of the World out loud, you just truly haven't lived.

How better to learn the joy of school and the perils of revenge?
Or how simply childish and asinine prejudice is?
Or learn that only fairies can kiss the tip of their elbows? I did almost named The Girl Annabel, you know. Though there seems to be a little fairy princess in her anyway. And I can only hope there is a little Claudia Kincaid in her as well (though Thing is betting on Ramona Quimby).

Hey boys and girls. Do you know what day it is?

Can you believe it? It's been 2 years since I met Thing 1 - aka The Thing, My Thing, The Douchebag (PMS is rough) and The Love of my Life. If you're new and missed the story or just want to relieve my romantic whoreish past, here's how we met:

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

We spent this morning together (while the kids are in school) and just came back from a long romantic lunch. Now it's time for us both to do some work but there is wood in the fireplace and a bottle of wine in the fridge for tonight.
This past year has seen a lot of changes, both good and bad, a lot of growth and a lot of love. And I'm looking forward to 40 or so more years just like it.

Black as midnight on a moonless night

Thing introduced me to the Twin Peaks series. Why didn't anyone ever tell me how amazing this series was? David Lynch is a fucking nut case - I love it!!

No additional details

I found my uncle on Wikipedia today. How fucking surreal is that?

Wanted:

Women within drinking distance of Maryland for a oh-my-god-the-kids-are-driving-me-crazy-and-work-sucks night out. Must like margaritas, think their significant others are hott and their ex's are jerks. You must be able to take a joke and not mind the slew of sarcastic comments that will spew forth from my mouth at any given moment, the weird faces I tend to make when I'm drunk and my loss of the ability to whisper thereby unintentionally informing other woman in the bar that I think a) she is a slut, b) I hate her hair c) I hate her outfit, or d) all of the above.

I'll be accepting resumes via email until The Girl turns 18.

Why I drink #306

My great aunt emailed me today to tell me the latest family controversy.
[insert ominous sounding music here]
Apparently, my 93 year old grandmother that was recently placed in a nursing home has decided she wants dentures so that she can eat what everybody else is eating. But her kids don't want to spend the money to let her have them.

I should have stayed in bed this morning.....

Fast and furious

I don't sign contracts and I don't pay for anything up front. This gives me the right to tell anyone at anytime for any reason to fuck off. I don't care if you're nice, can give me a better rate or are a friend of The Things. You can do it my way or not get my business. It's your choice.

This includes, but is not limited to, my car insurance company for whom it has taken me exactly 8 days to get the matter of my little fender bender (yes, I've damaged My Baby already. And yes, it was my fault) taken care of. Also, see above. If you act like a big fat throbbing cock on the phone, I will switch companies. And that Life Insurance policy we had been discussing via email? Yea, you lost that too.

To The Boy, who is getting B's in three honors classes but is getting a D in Guitar class, even though he's been playing the guitar for more than 7 years, because he's too lazy to do his homework assignments.... that D is for Douchebag.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY COOLCHICK - friend and longtime commenter. Me love you long time... Have a great day sweetie.

Oh, and the hair. I was going to do this whole before and after picture thing but I just haven't had time. And now I've lost momentum. Anyway, I got a little bored so my formerly brunette head with subtle blonde highlights is now Mary-Jane-Watson-Red with subtle blonde highlights. I look hott.

Speaking of hott, Inigo came to check out the new house a little while ago. He brought his new woman with him too. Yea, he and Buttercup are no longer an item. Actually, this happened several months ago but I refuse to change my sidebar because I'm still in denial. I'm not commenting on the new woman either, since we all know Inigo pops in to read periodically. Except to say (did you really think I'd keep my mouth completely shut?) (that's what she said) she had better be the best fucking lover you've ever had...

And speaking of lovers, I'm meeting mine for lunch so that's all the updates you get for now.