Is that too much to ask?

I think you've probably noticed that I haven't commented on the Paperweight in quite a while now. I loathe to admit this but I am having a very difficult time.

Yesterday was our wedding anniversary. Tonight we will be sitting down to discuss the details of our divorce. I want answers; I want to know why. Why did he leave? Why was he not happy no matter what? What made him so selfish? What made him change? Why did he stop loving me?

I have not had a decent night's sleep in months. I lay awake in bed for hours with all of these questions running over and over through my mind. I've been dreading today, but I'm aware that it is something that needs to be done. And that's the kind of woman I am; if something needs done, I do it. But I've been dreading it all the same.

I did find some solace in this morning's daily meditation:

When tragedy strikes, we fight to understand why. Something may strike out of nowhere and turn our lives around. We would like to believe that there is some way to explain tragedy. We think that if we could explain it, maybe we could protect ourselves. We wonder if we are being punished. Has an uncaring God abandoned us? We may believe that if God cared, no tragedy would happen.

This is not always a just world. But if we let God be there for us, listening to our rage at injustice and comforting our tears, we can recover, move on, and know that we are not alone. God is with us in the words and the living touch of another human being. We may want to retreat within ourselves when tragedy strikes. This is not a bad or wrong feeling, but it is still important to let others be with us. Time spent with friends and family, and prayer time with our Higher Power, helps us realize that we are not alone in our grief.

And through the grief process I go. I know the steps. I know what comes next. I know that it is perfectly normal.

But I want answers damn it.