Please Mr. Postman

We all knew it wouldn't take long. The Paperweight has been gone for 5 months, literally; but I've been alone for more then 4 years now. So, yes, I've been checking out guys online. If you are a man who is into the great wide world of internet dating, let me pass along some tips. And the really scary thing is, these are real. Each and every one of them. Here are:

The Top 10 ways to get me to ignore your email

1. Start the email with 'Dear Babe'
2. Two words: Spell Check.
3. Ask me questions that I've already answered, that are none of your business, that are terribly obvious or all of the above; such as 'How old were you when you had your son?" Um…let's see, my profile says I'm 31 and that I have a 15 yr old son. Um……..
4. Use so much internet jargon that I have to have my teenager decipher it for me.
5. Have a screen name like pghdisturbed, lovetightjeans, or womb_diver
6. Offer to babysit my kids so I can have some time to myself.
7. When I have 'casual' listed as the type of relationship I'm looking for and go on and on in my essay about how I'm newly separated and do not want any type of relationship just a date once in a while….and your profile says that your desired relationship type is 'serious/marriage'; don't email me.
8. Ask me questions about certain parts of my anatomy.
9. Include pictures of yourself in which you are naked, posing with your vehicle, with horns taped to your head or all of the above.
10. End the email with 'Talk to you later sexy'

And please remember, these are not people who I've had an ongoing email relationship with...these are their introductory emails to me. What's that saying about first impressions? Well, at the very least, I will never be at a loss for a winner for my Fork in the head Fridays.