3 hours and 43 minutes

That's how long I was on the phone with Thing 1 last night. That's longer then I was on the phone the rest of the week combined. We've got the whole 'clicking' thing going which I am enjoying. I'm still finding the whole irony of this situation - the similarities between Thing 1 now and Eduardo dumping me - totally weird. Interestingly enough though, I'm not scared. And you know me, fear is my middle name (no, honest. It's Fauve Fear Bananahammock...um, yea.....snort)

So, does the lack of fear mean I'm finally being cool and taking things as they come? Or does it mean I've put up a protective barrier around my heart?
I'm thinking it's a little of both...and do you know what that means?
You guys have to put up with the Fauve's Fucked Up Life posts for a while longer yet, until I get this all figured out. Or until you all start charging me for the therapy, which ever comes first.

hmmmmmmm

Now, I knew I had a popular first name (There are 1,397,854 people in the U.S. with my first name) and I knew my last name was popular (932,902 people in the U.S.). But the combination of the two? I think I'm safe from stalkers....

HowManyOfMe.com

There are: 4,347 people with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

um yeah

and did I mention that Eduardo was a vegetarian? One of those things, like the music, that made him think we were incompatiable.

yeah, I found out today that Thing 1 is a vegetarian.

It's fun to have fun, but you have to know how

I finally returned Eduardo's email. Basically, I confronted the whole Supremes issue we've been having and I haven't heard from him since.

Meanwhile, back at the farm…….

The Things are a trip. We (the Things, my girlfriend and myself) all have each others' email addys and IM information. Good times, good times…

I'm so loving the way I met Thing 1. It was purely coincidental and purely for fun. Which means there are no relationship expectations on either of our parts, unlike the way I've been meeting guys online. We can just be friends and get to know each other. Plus, which I don't think I've mentioned yet, it helps that Thing 1 lives in another state. Last weekend he was in town, which he says he does about once a month, visiting Thing 2. But we are in neighboring states and we both live fairly close to our common border. As was the case with Eduardo #1, he's close enough to visit if I want, but far enough away that I don’t have to see him if I don't want. I highly recommend this arrangement.

And….it's given me serious pause for thought. You see, I've been comparing Eduardo and Thing 1; not the men but the situations. I never went into detail with the Eduardo break-up; partly because I was hurt and partly because I think his 'reasons' were bullshit. I think he, for whatever reason, just didn't want to date me anymore and needed to make some stuff up. My belief that it's bullshit, however, doesn't stop me from thinking about it and wondering about it in relation to Thing 1. However, if Eduardo was telling the truth……well, that just makes the situation all that much weirder.

But I digress…..and I'm not making much sense. Let me explain:
Eduardo broke up with me for two reasons. First, "because we live so far apart". For the record, we live not quite an hour apart, true, which may or may not be "too far", but I work less then 15 minutes from his house.
Thing 1 lives and works three hours away from me. His first email to me said "I'd love to see you again the next time I'm in town, if not before."
So, is something to be said for Thing 1 thinking it is worth driving 3 hours to see me? Or, if a relationship develops, is it doomed to failure because we live so far apart?

Eduardo's second reason for breaking up with me is, I swear to God, music. Eduardo was a music snob and I dared to like some bands that he didn't like. Plus, he doesn't "think we share the same passion for it", referring to music in general.
Thing 1 and I met in a bar/club where three bands were playing. We both hated one, loved one, and were at odds on the third. He has very very similar taste in music to Eduardo and, like Eduardo, admits to spending large quantities of time and money on music.

This all, of course, totally creeps me out because Thing 1 could easily go in the same 'direction' as Eduardo on both counts.

However, Thing 1 and I have talked music for 4 days straight. I share my stuff that I think he would like. He shares his stuff that he thinks I would like. Eduardo cringed when he found out I was a huge NIN fan. I got a package in the mail yesterday from Thing 1 containing two rare NIN bootleg CDs.

So, it seems that not only does Thing 1 like to have fun, but perhaps, just perhaps, he also knows how.

fauve farrago

1) cause I'm bored at work
2) cause I have nothing major enough to be sole-post-worthy
3) cause it's my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want

Anyway……on with the show!

The Boy is kicking butt at football. He's grown another 1/2 inch and slimmed down 5 lbs. He's like a killing machine. But if I see him kiss his biceps one more time and hear him say 'welcome to the gun show' I will be forced to lop him off at the knee caps.

Are you still cool? Take this test to find out.

The Paperweight finally told his dad. I know this because his dad called me up asking a slew of questions starting with "Is he coming to see those kids?" and ending with "How are you doing with money? If you need any, call me." However, I think The Paperweight only confessed that he moved out. I still think his dad doesn't know about the divorce. The Paperweight swears he told him….but I had my doubts when his dad added, "I hope you guys can work this out and get back together." Certainly sounds like a man in the know, eh?

I once tried to find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie pop. It made my tongue bleed.

Thing 1 emailed me twice yesterday…and again this morning. And he's currently buzzing me on IM. He's frightened by my blog. Muahahahahaah!

Do you know firespiral? Well you should...And go give Bridie a hug while you're at it.

still....hung....over.... (my first bar pickup)

Saturday was a blast. Lots of drinks, good music, great friends. Saturday was a day of firsts. Eduardo emailed me twice on Saturday and I did not email him back. WTF?!?! you say? Yes, my heart needs to heal and that will never happen unless I make a clean break. He may not be sure of what he wants, but I know what I want. And as much as I would love to do the 'friend' thing, because he truly is a great guy, I need to hold off for now. I need to have some fun, heal and let Eduardo do his own thing. I think I need to go back to the days of Eduardo #1 and just enjoy myself and not worry about anything else.

And along those lines, the girlfriend who organized Saturday's celebration, was teaching me the fine art of scoping out guys in bars. Being Mrs.Paperweight for so many many years, I never "picked up" a guy in a bar before. The Paperweight and I were a blind date set up by mutual friends. The Eduardos since have all been via online dating. So I've never tried to strike up a conversation with a guy in a bar/club, ask for his number and/or give him mine. Well, with a little helpful push from my friends and a little embarrassment, I got my first chance. Of course, I had to wait until they scoped out all of the guys in the place for a few hours until they decided which one was hit-on-worthy. Majority vote kept coming back to two guys at the table on our right. Thing 1 and Thing 2 were both attractive. Thing 1 with a goatee and closely cropped dark hair. Thing 2 was clean shaven with longer lighter hair. My friends had their eyes on Thing 2...who looked a good 5 years younger then me; which I said, my girlfriend disputed and the debate actually became the way she used to get my foot in the door. She bet me a beer that he was at least as old as I was, if he was younger, I had to buy her beer.

Over to their table she dragged me, told them of our debate and insisted Thing 2 show me his ID; which he did (for the record, he was actually a year older then me so I lost the bet). Introductions were made, small talk ensued and we told them if they would like to join us, they could. I returned to my party at the bar slightly embarrassed, but a little more confident. At least I didn't make an ass out of myself. A few minutes later, Thing 1 came to the bar for another beer (wink wink, nudge nudge) and ended up standing beside me. He started up a conversation as he waited to be served, bought me a beer while he was at it, and ended up going back to grab Thing 2 so that they could join my party.

Now as you know, my friends are wonderful and have given me a lot of great advice. However, it's a good thing they liked Thing 2 so much because they spent much of the night together bullshitting while Thing 1 and I had our own thing going. Nice connection; it was very comfortable and most enjoyable. Thing 1 was a great conversationalist, intelligent, and witty. He gave me one of his business card and his cell phone number and I did the same. Will anything come of it? ::shrug:: I know I enjoyed myself this weekend. And that's all that matters.

This sucks

It all sucks. Everything big fat sucks!

Eduardo and I emailed each other a few times after the break-up. We were going back and forth on his 'reasons' for not wanting to see me anymore. His last email was sent to me around 1am Monday morning. I responded back to him, but then haven't heard from him since. I figured one of two things happened; a) he was just done discussing it because he thought his reasons were valid and wasn't willing to go into further discussion about it or b) I had hit that proverbial nail on the head and he was taking time to think over all of the things I said to him.

I made a girlfriend make me promise that I would NOT email him again, unless he emailed me first. And she has been watching me like a hawk (thank you, girlfriend). I don't want to turn stalker-ish or (worse yet) turn into some whiny crybaby girl. I want to keep my chin held high, and maybe keep that last shred of self-esteem, and move on; if need be.

So, I started to notice yesterday morning that I wasn't receiving any outside emails. In fact, it occurred to me that I hadn't been receiving any outside emails...for days....

Yep, you guessed it. Some ISP screw-up at work has allowed us to send out email, but not receive any. So now, well....let's be honest....I'm a fucking mess. Did he try to email me and it didn't get through? Does he think I'm pissed off at him because I never responded to an email he sent? Is he, at this very moment, sitting at home on his day off thinking I don't want to see him this weekend because I never emailed him back saying yes?

Yes, I am quite aware I'm neurotic, thank you for asking. I am well aware that there is the STRONG possiblity that he hasn't emailed me a single fucking time. I realize that at this moment he could very well be planning a date for tomorrow night...with someone else. I know that there is the chance that I will never speak to, hear from, or see this man every again in my entire life....

And it breaks my heart...

So, instead, I sit here at this moment, cursing my email and saying mean things about the IT guy. Stupid fucking ISP...

The I-promise-not-to-write-anything-depressing Post

The final divorce papers are signed, sealed, and delivered. This morning, I was copied on an invitation emailed out by one of my girlfriends. She's throwing a divorce party this Saturday night to celebrate "the officially single, sexy and fabulous" Fauve.

I've said it before and I'll say it again...Thank God for girlfriends.

FYI

That quote:

“The fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself.”

is totally false.

About an hour ago...

Eduardo dumped me. I won't be around for a while.

courage and fear

From Wikipedia:

Courage, also known as fortitude, is the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty or intimidation. It can be divided into "physical courage" -- in the face of physical pain, hardship, and threat of death -- and "moral courage" -- in the face of shame, scandal, and discouragement.

Fear is a basic emotional sensation and response system ("feeling") initiated by an aversion to some perceived risk or threat.

I re-read The Alchemist over the weekend, having finally bought my own copy. I think this may turn in to a monthly tradition, seeing as how I seem to change so quickly nowadays. I feel a little like a butterfly emerging from a cocoon. How fucking prolific, I know, but it's an honest statement of how I feel. And how I feel is something I've been very attuned to lately. Eduardo and I had a discussion about that after our date Saturday night and again, a longer version, on the phone yesterday. Words like 'courage' and 'fear' seem to be all around me lately.

From The Alchemist:

"Courage is the quality most essential to understanding the Language of the World."

“The fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself.”

"There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure."

While these quotes have stuck out in my mind, and I plan to keep them there to ponder a while, I find that this one draws my focus more and more:

“Because, wherever your heart is, that is where you’ll find your treasure.”

Notice, no 'fear'…no 'courage'…just a blanket statement said with conviction. I find that that is how I am today. I know where my heart is. And I know where I'll find my treasure.

Regarding the divorce stuff

The process is chugging along without any problems ::knock on wood:: The great state of Pennsylvania has a 90 day waiting period where they just make you sit around with your thumb up your ass to see if you are going to change your mind or not. And really, does anyone actually do that? Go through all the hassle and bullshit, shell out a few thousand dollars and then say 'oh gee, i don't think i really want a divorce. i'm so glad PA has a waiting period'. Give me a freakin' break.

However, the rules of the state are also why I have to keep my mouth shut around The Paperweight the majority of the time and come here and say 'FUCK' to you guys. If I piss him off, and he decides to contest the divorce just to be a dick, the waiting period automatically goes from 90 days to two years. And if that happened, I'd be stabbing myself in the head with a fork. Repeatedly.

So, God willing (and please God, I've been so nice lately), the final papers will be signed on October 10th - next Tuesday. It will take another 10 to 20 days after that for the Judge to look at it, sign his/her name, do whatever the hell it is they do (though Lord knows why it takes 20 fucking days to sign a name) and then it's a done deal. So by Halloween, I'll be free.

Free, damn it! I'll be free!!!!!!

At least from him...but not his bullshit, unfortunetly. If I start passing out The Paperweight's phone number to his creditors, it will have to be his work number because I have the feeling his cell will be shut off soon. Yep, another phone call last night stating he's 'behind in his payments'; this time from T-Mobile.

Ass......

Money can't buy you love; or a divorce either, it seems (aka The post where I say fuck a lot)

I have discovered over the last two weeks that I wasted a whole lot of money this year. How, you ask? I tried to divorce my husband. I've heard some of you say (and even post it on your blogs) that divorce costs so much because it's worth it. And you know, I used to believe that. However, when you shell out big bucks and nothing changes...well, isn't that just a big fucking waste?

As you know, The Paperweight is a lazy fucking slob. As you also know, The Paperweight picks up The Girl and takes her to preschool every day. What you may not know, is that in the time it takes for him to get her dressed for school and leave, he manages to trash every room in my house. The worst? The Girl occassional wets the bed still and The Paperweight, under the guise of being helpful,

::okay, let's all take a moment to laugh until we snort on that one::

against my pleadings not to, The Paperweight insists on stripping down her bed. I know what you are thinking, 'that's not so bad'...except you don't realize, dear reader, that The Paperweight has no concept on what a hamper looks like nor where to find one. And there is no use showing him because after 1.5 decades of trying to teach him, I have found that this is information he simply can not retain. So what happens to the peed on soaking wet sheets and blankets? They end up on the floor...my fucking dining room floor. Why? I have no clue. Is it a matter of convenience? Nope. He has to walk out of The Girl's room, past the bathroom with the hamper in it, through the living room, and then to the dining room to dump said laundry. So every fucking day, I get to arrive home after 13 hours of being away, and am greeted to pee stinky laundry in my dining room. Yippee Fucking Yea.

I also discovered in this past week that The Paperweight has still not learned how to manage money. This is nothing new. He was severly in debt when we got together, I got him out, then took over all financial dealings because, well, he was an idiot and we would have gone bankrupt otherwise. We still argued about money over the years because he couldn't understand why I wanted to stick money in The Boy's college fund rather then buy him a flat screen tv. Once, he even secretly applied for a credit card, went out and bought $1000 worth of new clothes, and then would throw away the bill when it came so I wouldn't know. Um, yeah.

So last week, I started getting phone calls from a creditor. It seems that The Paperweight, after moving out, got yet another credit card. And apparently, not only hasn't he found it necessary to make any fucking payments, he was kind enough to give them my phone number when he sent in the application.

I've explained to them the situation each time they call, but it's always a different person and I guess the information never gets updated or something. Who knows. They've each been very nice to me, however, and they are only doing their jobs so it's hard to get mad at them. The Paperweight does not even have a home phone number that I can give out. However, I decided last night that if he's been kind enough to give out my personal unlisted phone number to his creditors, it would be more then fair for me to start handing out his cell and work numbers to said creditors the next time they call.

Men are fickle

No, not my dear sweet Eduardo, who is feeling better by the way. He's as sweet as ever. But men, in general, are fickle. The Original Eduardo, the one with no strings attached; he played hard to get and it worked. We got along well and I was starting to like him, but he was distant and insisted that I date other people. Well, I did and we all know how that turned out; I met the Eduardo who is an absolute dream come true.

Guess who's called three or four times in the last week? Yep. Seems that Mr. Original is regretting his hard-to-get stance. He hasn't asked me out or said anything inappropriate, but he's alluded. I really think it's just a matter of time until he does.

And remember the briefly lived one-time-only Eduardo #2? He was actually someone I had met years ago. However, I was already married to The Paperweight (just under 2 years at the time) so although we had an obvious connection, I nipped it in the bud. Which really wasn't all that hard to do since he lives in another state. However, when he found out that The Paperweight and I were in the middle of a divorce, he emailed me to let me know he'd be in town and asked if I'd finally go out with him. And I did. We had a very nice time, though nothing too exciting. We met for drinks and watched a football preseason game and then he disappeared into the sunset. My phone calls and emails went unanswered and I eventually just blew him off. I honestly thought, well, he's waited for me for almost a decade and I didn't put out so maybe he's just a pig. Well, that wasn't the case, though, I did find out that though the specifics were wrong, Eduardo #2 was indeed a pig. In fact, a married pig. He emailed me two weeks ago to apologize for not contacting me sooner, trouble at home but he thinks about me all the time, yada yada yada, wife and kids are driving him crazy…

WTF?!?!

Thought you knew, yada yada yada….I broke off all correspondence and just deleted the next two or three emails he sent that week. Last week, he sent an email titled 'Done'. Here it is, verbatim:

I cannot continue anymore. I will not accept emails from you nor will I converse with you.
I need to fix things at home and this is the first step. I am sure you understand.

Though I loathe to be redundant, WTF?!?!

Like the others, I deleted this email without responding. The next day, I received an email stating. "Please respond to yesterday's email. Just an 'I understand' or something. " I responded saying simply, "I understand", hoping he'd leave me alone. He emailed me back, "Please respond to YESTERDAY'S email."
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? That #2's wife found out about our date and/or correspondence and he was covering his tracks? Yep, I think so too. I was going to delete this email as well, but I was pissed. How dare he drag me into this bullshit? So I responded, saying just that, and I've since blocked his address as well.
Meanwhile, if I have to go one more day without kissing my Eduardo, I think I'm going to cry.