Must...control...fist of death...

I'm home from work today because The Girl turned in to a snot factory overnight. Nothing too bad, she's still playing and such, but she's running a fever and has already gone through half a box of tissues so I figure that warrants a day home from school. Of course, I haven't broken the bad news yet that this also means no Trick or Treating tonight, but I'll cross that bridge later. Perhaps once the cold medicine kicks in she won't care (Think Girlfriend and Dayquil - same reaction).

This at least gives me a chance to stop, catch my breathe, and catch up on things. My life has been a non-stop roller coaster of stress, turmoil and tears. There should seriously be a law against bosses being mean to you when you are trying to quit smoking and the punishment should be death by nicotine patch.
But I won't get in to that because 1) I need my job because my kids have grown fond of eating and 2) I just don't have the energy.

But the attitude I've been dealing with is pretty similar to this:

Ah, but enough of that. I have the day off! < insert giddy laughter here > So I won't have to deal with it again for another 24 hours (assuming I avoid my work email, of course).
In schmoopy news, I spent a long weekend with The Thing, who spoiled me well after my shitty week. We went bar hopping with Inigo and Buttercup (and I didn't smoke!), went to a show, was presented with a scrapbook Thing made for me celebrating our year together and received an invitation to spend Thanksgiving with his family this year, which I'm pretty excited about.

Oh and...did I tell you guys about Christmas plans with me, The Thing, and Wilma & Fred? I didn't? huh...

Well, I wouldn't want to get ahead of myself. It is only October, you know. Happy Halloween everyone!

That really grinds my gears

Yes, as a matter of fact I was watching Family Guy last night. You got a problem with that? As of late, everything annoys me. And I mean everything. You know that one person who just gets under your skin and drives you crazy? I mean sure, they do some pretty stupidly irritating things but really it's just the fact that they dare to exist in your presence that really just bugs the shit out of you...yeah, that person.

I feel that way about everyone.

So I arrived home last night, in the dark, late, with two folders of paperwork...and found my house a mess. The house I had just cleaned before leaving for work that morning. The kitchen counters could not be found, every light in the house was on, and there were chip crumbs and dirty dishes scattered on the forbidden-to-be-eaten-on-just-vacuumed living room carpet.

After putting the fear of Fauve in to both The Boy and The Girl, I retreated to my bedroom, cranked the volume up on Family Guy and ate my dinner with a pile of Barbie dolls at my side. The next one to whine, complain, cry, make a mess, or remotely roll their eyes in my direction was going to set off a barrage of Barbie Grenades.

What a long fucking week this has been. And the first person to point out that this is only Wednesday is going to win a brand new shiny dildo for which you can go fuck yourself with (size, shape and color of my choosing, of course).

I'm still working with The Cunt who, besides being a cunt, is totally useless. Why is the direct correlation between work and pay that the more you get paid the less work you actually do? Shouldn't it be the other way around? I did actually grow some balls this week when I flat out refused to do some work for her because it was mindless drivel. It took her longer to place the request then it would have been for her to do it herself...and it would have taken longer still for me to drop what I was doing and fulfill the request. And when I was informed by someone else on my 'team' that she had a list of such items that needed to be done...well, I couldn't help but ask "What's #2 on her list? Wipe her ass?"

And I actually drive 3 hours a day to put up with this. Which brings me to (tada!) The West End Circle...
Everyone in Pittsburgh hates the West End Circle; it's confusing, it slows down traffic, blah fucking yada blah...They are even spending $52.6 million dollars to 'fix' the Circle.
As someone who drives the Circle 5 days a week/52 weeks a year, let me tell you exactly what's wrong with it. The drivers who drive it. Yep. If you are in Pittsburgh and you take the Circle especially to get to the West End Bridge, you're a douchebag.
There are TWO lanes that go from Route 51 (see map) around the Circle and across the West End Bridge. However, every fucking day, people are bumper-to-bumper backed up on 51 because they all try to jamb into ONE lane...at the intersection where there is a traffic light...
So inevitably, traffic backs up enough from cars staying in only one lane and the light turns red again after only 1 or 2 cars get through. Look to your left, ya dumb douchebags, see that other lane over there? The one with absolutely no traffic in it? Yes, you are allowed to move over and use that lane. It's going to the exact same place as the one you are in...only faster.
So if you are ever in Pittsburgh during morning rush hour going towards the West End Circle and a little red car passes you on the shoulder heading into the left lane while a red head yells out the window "THERE ARE TWO LANES YA DOUCHEBAGS!" give me a wave. Okay?
The City of Pittsburgh should just put that on a sign at the intersection and then pay me that $52.6 million...

And I think it should not only be permissible but encouraged to hit pedestrians who cross against the light or are not in a crosswalk. If you're stupid enough to walk out in front of oncoming traffic, you need to die in order to save the rest of humanity from an Idiocracy fate. Enough said.

Anyway, last night, after a half hour of laughing at Family Guy and a Harper's Oktoberfest, I was feeling better. Both of my offspring managed to avoid a massacre of flailing plastic limbs. But barely.

And for any of you who haven't figured it out by now:
first - why the hell are you reading my blog, you tool?
second - yes, I am PMSing.
third - and yes, I quit smoking again. This is day #4. God help you all.

One year ago today, I picked up a drunk guy in a bar

And fell madly in love.

Thing & I (with Girlfriend and her hubby T) are heading out to celebrate our 1 year anniversary. While we are gone, you can read all about my stupidly whore-ish escapade that was the smartest thing I ever did...

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

Fork in the Head Friday: The man painting at the apartment complex next door Edition

You're dirty.
You have no front teeth.
You're yelling crude things across the street at me.

I'll pass on having your children.

Well that was annoying....

After jac's comment about me posting more often (though I post way more then she does so it's a good thing she's cute or I'd be forced to troll her blog singing Ava Maria) I was really going to post yesterday but Blogger wouldn't let me in. This morning, after several more failed attempts, I was forced to *gasp* head to the Help Center and going through their list of "try this long list of shit before you contact us because lord forbid we quit watching Star Trek long enough to do our jobs".

In the end, the only thing that worked was giving up on Internet Explorer all together and heading into Firefox world. Even though all of the settings on my computer were correct, I was still denied so I think the IT guy here at work put a block on me somewhere up in his world...bastard...

And now I'm too thoroughly exhausted to actually write anything so instead all you get to see is the new dress I bought (on sale!) at Macy's. Thing & I and Girlfriend & her hubby T are all going to a fancy-schmancy resteraunt for lunch on Sunday. It's my goal to make Thing say 'wow'. What do you think?

I've said it before and I'll say it again

You guys rock!

And because you do, I got spoiled this weekend. Doesn't really seem fair, does it? But it works for me. What I got this weekend was better then the $50...
After another long ass day during a long ass week at work, I made the 3 hour drive down to The Thing's house Friday night. I arrived around 9:30 pm and was greeted to a darkened house...but Thing was waiting for me on the front porch. After the usual montage of hugs & kisses, I was led by a grinning Thing in to the house and towards the....

bathroom?

Yes...
where he then opened the door and I found the room full of candles, the tub full of bubbles and the scent of girly bath products in the air. I was treated to a shoulder massage while I soaked and dinner afterwards; he cooked,

and a little something extra for dessert...

Relationship advice needed

As you know, being stuck in a horrible relationship for more then a decade left me with little idea as to how a real healthy relationship works. So, from time to time, I have sought out your advice, true and faithful reader, on what I should do in certain situations so that I don't fuck up my good thing with The Thing.

So once again, I am reaching out for solutions to our current dilemma. The Thing and I had a bet, the reward being $50. I, because I rock, won said bet. The Thing is now trying to welch on the deal. While I'm all for being a good sport, I totally think he should have to pay up since the bet involved me doing an extremely embarrassing action that he never in a million years thought I would do. So I'm asking, since I am headed down there this weekend, don't you think he should fuck my brains out do something else to make up for it?

All comments will be forwarded to The Thing so plead my case well, please.

I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' babies.

Yep, YRLFSATP is pregnant. Now remember, she has issues. And we're not talking the normal 'Fauve's jealous of the ex-girlfriend' kind of issues, because I'm, while not as drop-dead-gorgeous, way cooler then she. No, she has many issues not the least of which is effecting the way she is dealing with this pregnancy. For example, she's due in December and has yet to see a doctor. Thing, for his part, had us exchange email addresses so that I could help her with any questions/concerns she has regarding pregnancy and parenting. (at least, that's how he explained it to YRLFSATP. To me, he said, 'see if you can convince her to pull her head out of her ass'). I've tried to do my part by answering all of her questions, passing off some of The Girl's old baby items (I have to clean out my attic before the move anyway), and strongly suggest she see a doctor as soon as possible. To which she replied that she knows the baby's fine because it moves.

::sigh::

Is it way too bitchy for me to point out that the baby in the Home episode of X-files moved too?

It doesn't help matters that there is a communication barrier. YRLFSATP is from another country (one which I had never heard of before and, quite frankly, wouldn't believe it existed if it weren't for my trust in The Thing. It sounds so totally made up). So between the language barrier and the cultural differences, I've had a hard time convincing her that she can find a doctor she can trust and that yes, there are many reasons why she needs to see a doctor now and she can procrastinate as much as she likes but the baby is going to come anyway. I keep expecting her to flutter her eyelashes at me a la Vivian Leigh and tell me she'll think about it tomorrow…

Two years…Thing lived with this woman for two years…so she can't be all bad, right? Though, I'm starting to strongly suspected….drop dead gorgeous women, not too bright, speaks little English? I'm thinking the Thing may have been going through a stereotypical guy period. He is so getting ragged on...

How much can I blog about before Thing calls tonight?

Ahhh...busy busy schedule. I'm finally (knock on wood) getting the hang of the new schedule. Don't get me wrong, it still blows donkey balls, but I don't feel like walking death every second of every day nor do I feel like crying (which is worse then the death thing).
The big event this week was The Girl's surgery on Monday, which was successful, but I did have to gown up and carry her in to the OR again. She holds the amazing talent of being able to clench her teeth shut and still be ing able to spit at the same time; which is not at all conducive to giving her the initial 'make you sleepy' medicine (and I'm sure her future husband won't be crazy about this either).
The Thing took several days off work this week to be able to come up and support us for this. Cool thing #1, I didn't ask him to do this, he just scheduled the time off as soon as I told him the scheduled date. Cool thing #2, this totally bonded The Thing & The Boy - The Boy realizing even in his teenage apathy stage that this was awesome of him to do. Cool thing #3, this meant that The Thing, The Paperweight and I were all in the waiting rooms and recovery room at the same time. While that, in itself, does not sound cool, see #2. The effect it had on The Boy? It did the same for The Paperweight. I saw the two of them whispering in the corner of the waiting room as I was coming back from the OR. I was a little fearful that a power struggle was going on but didn't really care at the time; when you've just held your 5 year old daughter while they gassed her for surgery and you're still wearing the scrubs to prove it, it's hard to give a fuck about any penis measuring that may be going on...
But everything seemed okay and they were both supportive of me. Later, The Thing explained that Paperweight was thanking him and telling him how much he appreciated Thing being there for me & The Girl.
Yeah, I know...
But he's still a tool.

And there has been work stuff and schmoopie stuff and lots of laughs and shit with YRLFSATP that will make you roll your eyes...did I tell you guys that she's pregnant?
But there's the phone ringing so you'll have to wait. Sucks, eh?