So yeah...

you guys rock.
Thank you so much, each of you, for being non-judmental, helpful and supportive - not just of me but of The Thing as well. We (The Thing and I)were a little concerned on whether or not I would get 'fair' advice since this is my blog. I'm glad you guys all looked at the facts, and not at me. Bravo!

I read each comment carefully and there was a lot that I had not considered and/or things that were ideas I was trying to convey but did not know how to word them. I also forwarded each comment to The Thing, so he has gained valuable insight from you as well.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking..."shut up and tell us what happened with the fucking dinner!!"
Okay, okay...

Let me tell you first, that we spoke on the phone for about a half hour Wednesday afternoon...just a few hours before the scheduled dinner. That, in itself, was pretty fucking cool. It is wonderful to be in a relationship where you can talk about things that are bothering you without having blame, shame and childish name-calling involved. No one took cheap shots...hell, we didn't even argue. We just each talked about how we felt.

For the record, my heart told me that The Thing would not cheat on me so that wasn't really the issue. The issue for me, mainly, was that from what I knew of this woman and knowing all the details of their last encounter, and from being a woman myself...I knew The Woman would not let it drop. She still has feelings for The Thing, was going to hit on him again, and was going to do what she could to get him back...or at least in bed. The Things stance was first, he didn't believe this to be the case and secondly, even if it was the case, he would simply get up and leave. And he was upset by the thought that I didn't trust him. I couldn't seem to make My Thing understand that I did/do trust him...but whether or not he got up and walked away wouldn't change the fact that The Woman had her hands and/or lips on my love. And that he was in a position to not put himself in that position in the first place...but he was insisting on trying to maintain a 'friendship' anyway.

So The Thing came right out and asked what I thought he should do...
::sigh::
I'm hoping you guys know me well enough to know that when I say something, I mean it. And I'll always tell you the truth. I'm not one of those girls who will say 'do whatever' and then hold it against you later. Nor would I ever dream of trying to live your (The Thing's) life for you. Lord knows I'm not perfect and just because something is what I want doesn't make it right.

I bit the bullet and told The Thing that he needed to do what he felt was right. If he needed to see The Woman and clear the air with her/maintain the friendship then that's what he needed to do. He said yes and off to dinner he went.

The Boy had a deck hockey game that night. He had just finished and we were headed back to the car - around 8:30 pm when I received a text message from The Thing:

You were right. Details later. Call at 9.

To which I replied:

This was one time I was hoping I was wrong but I can't say I blame her.

His reply?

Thank you so much for letting me prove it for myself. That is the most important gesture you've offered me yet. I love you.

So yeah...she wants him...he wants me...and he's here with me now.

So...um...

I actually published this post late last night...for about a minute and a half. I then deleted it due to the fact that, as I've previously mentioned, two of The Thing's friends read this blog. However, me being me, I went to The Thing directly and said, "Since I've lost my mode of venting freely, you'll just have to deal with this directly"...and sent him this post in it's entirety. To his credit, he did. He also gave me full permission to publish this post exactly as I wrote it. While the issue in itself is still not resolved for me, I think the fact that he feels no need to censor me speaks volumes...

I need advice.
I'm not good, as if you couldn't tell, at the whole relationship thing. I'm good at the whole being-married-to-a-fucked-up-asshole thing, but relationships? Yeah...It's been a couple decades since I've done this and I'd like to do it right. However, I've been made a fool of before and I like that to not happen again, thank you very much.

The Thing has many women friends. This, I have no problem with. Lord knows, especially in my male dominated field, I have a ton of male friends. And he even stays in contact with ex-girlfriends, which I too have no problem with (I still talk to the original Eduardo.) However, there is one of his 'friends' that I am having a bit of a problem dealing with...

She's not an ex-girlfriend, per se...it's worse than that. Much, much worse. And this is going to sound so horrible. And if anyone says anything bad about My Thing, I swear I'll find a way to block you from my blog. I don't want bad-mouthing, just advice as in "Yes, you have every right to feel the way you do" or "No, you are a jealous psycho and The Thing loves you so get over it" kind of advice....

Anyway, this woman....She is the woman that he cheated on one of his ex-girlfriends with...he was honest enough to offer up this information on his own quite a while ago. He felt, after knowing what a cheater The Paperweight was, that I had the right to know that he had once cheated...and that he still occasionally saw this woman on a 'friends' basis.

In the beginning of December, he went to a concert with his brother and this woman. I knew all about it ahead of time...and he was very honest the next day about what happened. The Thing told her all about me (like, apparently, he has done with all his friends) and told her how he felt about me. She reacted in true friend fashion, asking questions and telling him she was happy for him.
Until the show...
And she started drinking...
Then she started becoming "possessive"...
And she hit on him...
"hit on" = trying to hold his hand in the car on the way home and then, when arriving at her place, she "kept trying to kiss" him and he told her repeatedly "this isn't going to happen" and then he returned to the car and took his brother home. She then called his cell phone where they "talked for over an hour."

I schedule this week off, as I do every year. And I was quite flattered when The Thing informed me that he schedule time off this week as well so that we could spend time together. At least, that was what he originally said. I knew he had to work today, but then he's off the rest of the week. Originally, he would be here either after work tonight or tomorrow (Wednesday, when most of you will be reading this). When he left here Christmas Eve, he informed me he didn't know when he would be back because he had a lot of stuff to catch-up on that he had been putting off...possibly Thursday night...but he didn't want to say for sure in case it was later then that. I have to admit, I was really disappointed. I'm not a clingy woman by any means, but I had very much been looking forward to this large chunk of time we were to be spending together.
***amendment to the original post: The Thing's email response to this, and then again when we spoke on the phone this afternoon, had him admently denying that we had set up this "schedule". I, who loathe to argue and will avoid it at all costs, dropped the issue. I do, however, have every single email The Thing ever wrote me...including the one setting up this schedule.
So, to wrap this all up for you...you have My Thing, a woman whom he has a history of cheating on a girlfriend with and who obviously still has feelings for him (or, at least, wants to fuck him) and who made repeated passes at him the last time they were together. And then you have the rescheduling of our time together.
Got it?
Okay...

I received my standard long email this evening from The Thing about his day and how much he loves me...and that he is having dinner with this woman tomorrow night...

Tomorrow afternoon, i'm heading down to ****'s for dinner - probably go somewhere near her place….With any luck, any residual anger or unwelcomed emotions are quelled with my visit tomorrow night. If not, i'll most likely have to cross her off the friend list. Hopefully, it won't come to that.

So...um...

Does it make me a complete psycho that this made me cry a little? What if I tell you that it hurt that he was too busy to keep his original plans with me but he could make time to go out with this woman who he has such a 'history' with? That it scares me that he's still trying to have a relationship with this woman? Is my history with The Paperweight making me read too much in to this? Has living with someone for two decades that I couldn't trust made me question everyone, including a man who has been nothing but wonderful? I mean, think about it…he didn’t have to tell me about seeing her. Right?

Or is this history repeating itself? Am I being one of those women…you know the ones…and all can you think is ‘how could she be so blind?!’ And…I hate to think…did he know about this dinner on Christmas Eve? Is this why he left and wouldn’t spend Christmas with me and the kids?! True, he’s never given me any reason to doubt him or to not trust him…but it has only been two months. Am I being a fool? Again?

Lesson Learned

It's Christmas Eve...my first since the divorce...my first as a single mom of two. I'm sitting here listening to my new Ray LaMontagne cd; one of the many Christmas presents I received from My Thing. And it occurred to me moments ago that this is also the 11 month anniversary of the start of my blog...this blog...While I'll wait until next month to wax nostalgia, I did go back through and read some of my old posts.

The Thing was here this weekend. He just left a couple hours ago so that he can spend the holiday with his family. I must say, I was very sorry to see him go. The Boy and The Girl were disappointed as well. They, too, see the wonderfulness that is The Thing...

Lessons learned? Ah, to say the least.
BUT...
everything I've gone through has brought me to this point in my life...so...if I had to...I'd do it all again.

Fuck it all to hell

Sorry, was listening to Deni this morning….

angela marie is the smartest woman alive. Visit her often.

Even if madison had a blog, I wouldn't link to it just because he makes way too much fucking sense to have any connection with me. And does Lori know you are volunteering her to quit smoking? If not, let me tell her cause I want to hear her laugh her ass off...

Dear Anonymous….um….it's probably good that you're anonymous because the whole 100 lb thing I could have really done with out.

I just knew that someone as cool as Contrary would be a smoker. She's totally right you know. Just because you other guys are too big of pussys to handle a little coughing…. Ahem….sorry….

Coolchick, my love, I'm going to save my response for you until tomorrow….gives me a good excuse to bring back the Fork in the head Fridays……

LoisLane loves me long time….You and madison should get together and go bowling or something.

I totally remember doing the same, K. I quit smoking while pregnant and nursing both of my kids and I have to admit I did the same. And with both, the day I was done nursing, I went out and bought a pack of cigarettes and with the first one; there was no dizziness or sickness…it was like... sigh….I'm home…..

Ah, Steve…another smart one. He's also a totally twisted sick motherfucker and you have to go read his blog because he'll make you pee your pants laughing…while vomiting…

And unconditional love from Sudiegirl. Thanks, you rock.

You are right, Nielsen. I've never smoked in my house or anywhere around the kids. But I've gotten no complaints in the kissing department from The Thing.

I am open to suggestions, karamia, if you find out the name. I've used patches before and they cut back on the withdrawal symptoms, but I coughed more with them then I ever did from smoking. Weird, huh?

Wild Rose; I'm so glad that some one has finally taken pleasure in my misery. At least something good is coming out of this eh? :P Oh, and I'm glad you like the pic of me and Happy Bunny. Alas, in keeping with the spirit of my anonymity, I won't be posting a pic of myself here. However, for those of you who desperately want to know what I look like (and The Thing too for that matter) you'll just have to figure out on your own where "over there" is and track me down.

Yearly Fauve Festival

Yes it's that time of year already. One year is coming to a close and another new year is fast approaching.
It is time to start fresh!
Start anew!
Make resolutions!

Come one! Come all!
It's the third annual Fauve
tries to quit smoking, turns in to a total bitch, and then smokes again after she realizes she's gained 10 lbs
Festival!

This is Day #8 of the 'cutting back' portion of the Fauve (yada yada) Festival. I've only been smoking 5 cigarettes a day, down from my normal 10 a day. The good news? The annoying hacking cough from my illness last week has pretty much disappeared; not to mention that the illness did not get as bad as it normally does, in the first place. The bad news? The scale this morning says that I've gained 3 lbs….
AND I HAVEN'T EVEN FUCKING QUIT COMPLETELY YET!!

You know…Lung cancer? Emphysema? Sure….but what else is there?!?! Obesity, on the other hand…. You've got heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, stroke, certain types of cancer (including kidney, breast and colon cancers), gallbladder disease, gout, sleep apnea, asthma, and osteoarthritis…. I think I've made a bad choice. Why do I fucking do this to myself every year? Why do I fall for the non-smoking radical propaganda?

Um…I shouldn't have to state this, but I will…. I am ranting. For anyone reading this, who feels the need to give me a long list of reasons why I should quit smoking and/or is going to leave me a long depressing story about a loved one who died from smoking….let me give you a tip. See the above rant? I will totally make that look like child's play on your ass if you even think about doing that. And then I'll go out and buy a pack of cigarettes and chain smoke just to spite you for leaving such drivel in my comments section after I told you not to. So it will be all your fault when I kill over 20 years from now from lung cancer. Got it, fuckhead?

Christ I need another cigarette…

Tee Hee

Um...
Actually, that title has absolutely nothing to do with this post. However, this was said in a conversation I was having with someone last night and it totally cracked me up. It's a dorky thing to say anyway, but when it's being said by a 34 year old man...well...

And as a side note: to those of you who's blogs I read on a regular basis (and you know who you are) if you have made the switch to the beta thing...I haven't been able to leave comments on your sites for the last couple days. I still loves ya and I still read daily, I just can't mark my territory anymore.

Anyway, it has come to my attention that after being extremely bitter for quite a while, then getting over myself (for the most part), falling in love and become much less bitter (which I know annoyed the hell out of a lot of folks because my traffic slowed significantly), that I've wound up being a bit more bitter these last few posts (wanting The Paperweight to get hit by a Mack Truck, for example).

I have found in recent days that The Paperweight did more then make me miserable for the last decade and a half. And it's seriously pissing me off. I seem okay with past stuff; dealing with things he said and did. I mean, I don't dwell on that kind of stuff (poor me, he didn't treat me well...oh shuddup!)

But do you know what really fucks me off? The thing that has made me regret ever having met The Paperweight?
The Thing
And my relationship with him
A small small part of me expects The Thing to react or act like The Paperweight.

And I hate it.
I hate that I have 'emotional baggage'.
And most importantly, and hardest of all...I hate the fact that I can't treat The Thing as well as he deserves. He deserves the best. And that ain't me.

It's a bird, it's a plane...

No, it's Super Fauve! I got asshat, I mean The Paperweight, to hand over the majority of the child support. I found that he shorted me $20 when I counted it after he left, but I didn't even say anything about it later.

Merry Christmas to all!

except The Paperweight who needs to get hit by a Mack Truck.

Lame, but I'm sick. Forgive me?

::hack, cough::
I'm sick.....
[whine]

I actually woke up with this Friday morning, but lots of zinc, vitamin C and fluids (not to mention a bunch of loving from The Thing) helped me cope through the weekend. However, I now sound like an 80 year old coal miner hacking up lung....mmmmmmm attractive, I know. And since My Thing is arriving Friday and my office Christmas party is Saturday, any suggestions to get better before then are more then welcome.

Other then that, this post is actually....quite lame. I have nothing new to report. I'm still madly in love with The Thing and he with me. The Boy and The Girl are good. The Paperweight is a total asshole.

Follow-up

The heat in my office has kind of been fixed. This means, of the two heating elements we have (one regular, one baseboard around the floor at the very large drafty windows) one of them now works. This allows the temperature to at least hover near 68 degrees for part of my work day, which I can handle. I do, however, have jeans and a sweatshirt on today partly because it still does get cold in here occasionally and partly because I'm sick. I'm not surprised. I would assume that sitting in hypothermic conditions for 5 weeks straight would tend to suck the power out of your immune system. Think I can get my office to pay for my medicine?

The email has been deleted. While I know this was the best, most mature, most responsible decision I could have made, I have to say it sucks. It's times like these that I wish I were a little more of a bitch and I could have told him to fuck off instead. Thanks guys, for keeping me in line....and ruining my fun.

I spent the weekend with The Thing. Went to his office Christmas party, met some more of his friends, and met his family. Yep, did the big old meet-the-parents thing this weekend. They didn't throw me out or fork the sign of the evil eye at me so I think I'm good. And...more importantly...he loves me too...

The Paperweight nice streak has run it's course. He informed me last night that due to some extra bills that have come up for him, he doesn't think he can afford to give me this month's child support. I know what you're thinking; something along the lines of 'mother fucking son of a whore', right? Well...you'd be right. However, I have to end with a laugh. And where The Paperweight is involved there is always humor.

He ended his i-suck-with-money-so-i'm-not-giving-you-the-court-ordered-support-payment-2-weeks-before-christmas speech with,
[drum roll please]
"You're okay with money on you're own, aren't you? You don't really need me to give you any, right?"

Is hypothermia covered under workman's compensation?

With fall upon us, and the days getting shorter, I thought you all would appreciate this superb, evocative, masterfully penned ode to the coming winter season. Sooooo, grab a coffee, a comfortable chair, relax and scroll down to enjoy the warm feelings and pleasure that this wonderful poem will bring. . .

ODE TO WINTER
A poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

"SHIT It's Cold!"
The End

We are nearing the end of week number 5 here at my rarely discussed office. 5 weeks of what? you ask. 5 weeks of the heat being broken...in November/December...in Pittsburgh...

Two definitions of 'oh fuck'

First, the good definition…which is when it is pronounced more in an erotic moaning sort of way.

Ooooohhh fuck oh fuck yea baby…mmmmmmmmm...yeah... Um sorry…where was I? Oh yes. The good; courtesy of Coolchick, who needs to start a blog so that I can link to it and thank her properly.

Ooooohhh fuck
[lights up a cigarette]

Second, the bad definition…which is pronounced in more of a 'hasn't my life sucked bad enough and now that it's finally good, are you seriously going to fuck with me?" sort of way

Oh fuuuuck…

Remember Eduardo?…not #1, not married #2, but Eduardo #3 - The Eduardo….Remember him?…Eduardo of the perfect first date…Eduardo who I let meet my kids and then he dumped me via email siting the stupidest reasons imaginable…Eduardo, who totally fucked with my head until I told The Thing all about it and he made me see the light of day….Yep, that Eduardo.

I'll give you three guesses who showed up in my Inbox last night, and the first two don't count.

The Girl is my new favorite

I was awoken at 5:30 am by The Girl. I opened one eye, saw her smiling face, saw the time on the clock and said, 'mmpghh'. She said, 'hi mom' and then disappeared into the living room.

I was awoken at 6:15 am by The Girl. I opened one eye, saw her smiling face, saw the time on the clock and said, 'ughmphargh'. She said, 'hi mom' and then disappeared into the living room.

I was awoken at 6:40 am by The Girl. I opened one eye, saw her smiling face, saw the time on the clock and said, 'huh? mornin'. She said, 'hi mom' and then disappeared into the living room.

I was awoken at 7:05 am by The Girl. I opened one eye, saw her smiling face, saw the time on the clock and said, 'why do you keep waking me up?'. She said, 'cause you're so pretty".