Fork in the head Friday; early edition

Yes, I realize it is only Thursday, but my vacation starts at exactly 3pm this afternoon so there is a good chance I'll ignore my computer (and hence my blog) for the next week or so.

This week's Fork in the head goes to none other then The Paperweight. Yes, I realize that this whole blog is one giant dedication to stabbing him in the head with a fork, but this week, he deserves a little something extra. Like, perhaps, if I put some salt on the fork before I thrust it into his skull.
It has come to my attention this week that The Paperweight has yet to tell his family that we are getting divorced. True, the papers will not be actually filed until next week and perhaps he is waiting until the deal is 'done' before dropping this little bombshell (his family adores me). However, I came to find that his family doesn't even know that he moved out.

So what happens? He avoids them until the next family function (probably Labor Day) and when they ask where I'm at, he says oh, we got divorced a month ago?
His reasoning? He's stalling; particulary with his dad. His exact words were "My dad thinks the world of you and I don't want to hurt him."
To which I responded, 'Yeah, well, I thought the world of you and that didn't stop you from hurting me.'

Yeah, I know - bitter much?

***************************************************************************

On a better note, I'm seeing Eduardo tomorrow.
(insert erotic moan here)
And I've gone over the feedback everyone has left and wanted to just note the fact that I'm just enjoying the 'now' and not worrying about anything more. Granted, he's the kind of guy you'd like to have 'something' with. However, right now, the 'something' I'm going for seems to not be a relationship. And I'm okay with that. I need the time for my heart to heal.

From my horoscope today:

Pay attention. The universe is telling you that the outcomes aren't what matter right now. Focus on the process, not the end goal.

Focus on the process.....Who am I to argue with that?

Don't try to adjust your television sets

Were you all dying of suspense to see how date #2 went and blogger wouldn't let you in? Did ya miss me? Yes, seems my URL was on the fritz for a while, but I managed to muck around and fix the doo-hickey that made it work again. Um, yeah. Okay, honestly? I just hit OK and Refresh and Republish a lot and got lucky.

So now back to our regularly scheduled program...

Eduardo emailed me twice Monday, once yesterday, and called me last night. What? Did you hear that? Yes, that's me doing the Snoopy Happy Dance. His second email asked 'so, did you write this in your blog?' Um, HELL YEAH! I was considering a sandwich board sign proclaiming the feat but I couldn't decided what shoes would go.
One Eduardo email contained nothing but the following quote:

"He must be dreaming. He can feel the warm tightness of her skin; the scent of sex is heavy in the air. Her lips taste of roses and passion, and she holds him like her life depends on it." -Neil Gaiman

We will be going out again either this Friday or next Monday, depending on how both of us can work out our schedules.

Three hours

Date number two was yesterday. He cooked me dinner (can you believe it?!?!), we drank some wine, snuggled on the couch and watched a movie...then fucked like bunnies for three hours.
Did you catch that?
Three hours....
That's more sex then I had combined on my three day honeymoon.

It occurred to me afterwards that perhaps Eduardo is not the nice guy he seems and I've just been used, never to hear from him again.
And I've decided, I don't big fat care.
I had sex, incredible mind-blowing make-you-walk-funny sex, for three hours.

What about the second date?

My second date with Eduardo is tomorrow. I’m very excited. Um, very excited, if you know what I mean. (wink, wink. nudge, nudge)
Oh, come on! You all remember that I haven’t had sex in forever, right?
It’s okay to get a little nooky, right?

Actual conversation

The Girl: Do you know what my favorite shows are?
The Boy: No, what?
The Girl: Max & Ruby, Dora, and the Steelers!
The Boy: I don’t like the Steelers. I like the Packers.
The Girl: Why?
The Boy: (looking at me out of the corner of his eye) Because the Packers are responsible enough that when they ride their motorcycles, they wear helmets and they wait until they have a license.
The Girl: (silent glare)
The Boy: Can you say ‘responsible’?
The Girl: Yes.
The Boy: Let me hear you say ‘responsible’.
The Girl: Go Steelers!

The man of the house

I don't really talk too much about my kids here; being more of a bitch-and-moan blog rather then a mommy blog. But, a mommy I am and the last few months with The Boy have been very interesting.

Let me start off with a little background, for those who don't know me outside of blog world. The Boy has been, how shall we say it....a 'handful' and 'all boy' his entire life. Or, if you are in the privacy of your blog which he doesn't know exists, The Boy has been very troubled and caused a lot of fucking trouble his entire life. And no, I'm not exaggerating. I used to get calls that he was punching Kindergarteners.......this was from his daycare when he was only 18 months old and it went downhill from there.

He has improved in some ways (less frequent) and gotten worse in some ways (larger kinds of trouble, ya know, the kind with police involvement) over the years. We had a really bad time of it starting summer before last and then that following school year. We started him into therapy and even did family therapy (w/out The Girl, of course).

I think the worst mistake I ever made as a mother throughout the years, was that I didn't trust my gut instinct with things. There were some things I thought should be done with The Boy, ways it should be handled, and I let myself be vetoed by The Paperweight. Also, while I knew The Paperweight was having a horrible effect on my self-esteem, I failed to conceive how big of an impact he was having on The Boy.

Now, please don't misunderstand. The Paperweight was not verbally abusive. He just, well, wasn't anything. I've seen him completely ignore The Boy for years. And when I say ignore, I mean ignore. As in, The Boy would speak and it was like The Paperweight didn't even see him standing there. Then I would usually over-compensate and baby The Boy, hence, not really making me a good authority figure in his eyes. So, two very important things happened regarding The Boy that day in January when his father left. First, mom became the sole person he was dealing with. Second, his self-esteem was given a chance to heal.

The first month was hard, of course, but it didn't last long. I became Nazi-mom and laid down the law. The TV and DVD player were removed from his room and a new weight set was put in it's place. He was informed that he would be signing up for football this year and if he didn't like it, tough shit. (he had signed up the previous year then decided he didn't want to go. The Paperweight and The Therapist told me not to force him. I thought it was big fucking mistake then and still do). I told him that his room would be kept clean at all times and if I found anything on his floor or dresser tops that wasn't supposed to be there, I'd throw it away (and I did).

I came home from work this past Wednesday to find that my son, after football practice, had swept every floor in the house and vacuumed the living room for me. This is in addition to cleaning his bedroom, which has been spotless for more then three weeks now.

These last 5 months, I've watched my son blossom. And not just in the I'm-not-a-lazy-bum-anymore way. But personally and emotionally he has thrived without his father. We talk. And not just 'how was your day' kind of stuff either, but about oh hell, everything; world issues, sex, drugs, music, movies, friends....He treats me with respect and tells me he loves me, everyday. And The Paperweight, who is still picking up The Girl for preschool, has informed me that The Boy has been cooking her breakfast in the mornings before she leaves.

It may have taken awhile, but I think The Boy is growing up. And, for the first time, I'm not worried about how he'll turn out. I think he's doing just fine. And I'm sure he'll make me proud.

fellow bloggers

Finally, finally, I've updated my list of fellow bloggers. I have a long list of sites that I read saved to my Favorites but haven't seemed to find the time (lazy bum) to add the links here. So I took the time to add some today and will hopefully finish it soon. Check them out when you have the chance; they are all a good read. And I'm always interested in reading something new, so let me know who your favorites are so I can check them out.

Sex on the first date

What? Are you crazy?!?! What kind of a tramp do you think I am? But I loved that look on your face! Yes, yes...the big date. Did I keep everyone in suspense long enough? His pictures were accurate (i.e. yummy - and if you ask me really nice, Jac, I'll email you his pics) and his personality IRL same as his online persona (i.e. adorably sarcastic and neurotic in a really cute sort of way - in other words, exactly like me). The date? Wonderful. (insert your own deep sigh here) We went to Station Square. Met at The Fountain, went to Hard Rock Cafe, toured the shops, talked for several hours at Starbucks then walked the path along the river. And he kissed me under the stars. And I really want him to do it again. And, next time, I hope it rains.

And the winner is....

Oh, and it's even Friday. How appropriate because this guy could use a fork in the head.

I may have posted yesterdays Top 10 a little early, because I found this headline today...

"I'm not mister right, but I'm mister right now"

Quit laughing; you know you want him....

And yes, the big date is tomorrow. I have to say, I'm a little nervous, having not done this in a while. And the fact that he's hott may have a little to do with it as well. My main goal is to not make an ass out of myself. Wish me luck....

It's a strange, strange world

Last week, I posted the Top 10 ways to get me to ignore your email due to the overwhelming response by freaks to my online dating ad.

This week, I present to you the:

The Top 10 Worst Online Dating Headlines

Oh, and for the record, I did the copy/paste thing with these; so you are seeing them exactly as they are....no joke....

Now on with the list!

1. "No barbie dolls but you have to be smoking hot."
2. "I'm a lover not a fighter, unless I have too"
3. "I am the most easiest person to get along with."
4. "I am single."
5. "Outdoor cook looking for a new grill(girl)!!!!"
6. "If I'm crazy enough to try this, please indulge me"
7. "I like to have fun at any cost."
8. "i a truck driver"
9. "Do you have pretty feet?"
10. "Are you attractive and have a billion$? I'm yours"

Oh!

you wanted details? Okay, okay. Twist my arm, why don't you? Tall, dark and very handsome. Met him through the online dating site I joined. We IM'd and emailed for a few days, then spoke on the phone last night. And he asked me out. Didn't know the old girl still had it in her, did ya? Yes, we are meeting in a public place. And yes, I Googled the heck out of him to verify that he is who he says he is (lord, I hope he's not reading this, lol). And yes, I then gave all of this information to a friend of mine in case this guy turns out to be a lunatic who kidnaps me and hides me away to make me his love slave, forcing himself upon me and repeatedly doing things to my body that have never been done before... See? no need to worry - I'm not that lucky.

BTW

Did I mention I have a date Saturday night?

There is a first time for everything, right?

I was having one of my I-don't-want-to-work-so-I'll-screw-around-on-the-internet moods recently and I came across this site that will tell you everything you probably ever wanted to know about movies. And probably some stuff you didn't...

The part that interested me, partly because I'm a girl and partly because, well....I'm horny...was the section Best and Most Memorable Film Kisses of All Time in Cinematic History

If the interesting history doesn't grab you (like, did you know that the first on screen male-male kiss took place way back in 1927?) then at least the descriptions will give you a chuckle (like the kiss from Gone With the Wind, one of the first romantic swept-off-your-feet sigh movies, being referred to as "The Conjugal Rape Kiss"). Though, like me, you just may like getting caught up in the romance of it all.

There were also several "caught in the rain" kisses; even my favorite, the one from Spiderman. Major sigh.... You know, I've never been kissed in the rain. Never. Ever.

Is it too late to make a New Year's Resolution?

How about a Summer's Resolution?

I want to be kissed in the rain. Yeah, yeah...call me corny. Perhaps I am. Though I think, I just want to know the feeling. That warm romantic can't-wait-to-get-out-of-the-rain-I-just-have-to-kiss-you-now feeling.

Or, it could just be a kiss wearing wet clothes and not at all romantic. It could be like sex on the beach - not really romantic because you have sand in your ass. And only in your ass, if you're lucky.

But, oh, how I'd like to find out.

In case you were wondering how last night went...

The reasonable man encounters circumstances and adapts himself to them. The unreasonable man persists in trying to adapt circumstances to himself. All progress depends upon the unreasonable man.

--George Bernard Shaw

Is that too much to ask?

I think you've probably noticed that I haven't commented on the Paperweight in quite a while now. I loathe to admit this but I am having a very difficult time.

Yesterday was our wedding anniversary. Tonight we will be sitting down to discuss the details of our divorce. I want answers; I want to know why. Why did he leave? Why was he not happy no matter what? What made him so selfish? What made him change? Why did he stop loving me?

I have not had a decent night's sleep in months. I lay awake in bed for hours with all of these questions running over and over through my mind. I've been dreading today, but I'm aware that it is something that needs to be done. And that's the kind of woman I am; if something needs done, I do it. But I've been dreading it all the same.

I did find some solace in this morning's daily meditation:

When tragedy strikes, we fight to understand why. Something may strike out of nowhere and turn our lives around. We would like to believe that there is some way to explain tragedy. We think that if we could explain it, maybe we could protect ourselves. We wonder if we are being punished. Has an uncaring God abandoned us? We may believe that if God cared, no tragedy would happen.

This is not always a just world. But if we let God be there for us, listening to our rage at injustice and comforting our tears, we can recover, move on, and know that we are not alone. God is with us in the words and the living touch of another human being. We may want to retreat within ourselves when tragedy strikes. This is not a bad or wrong feeling, but it is still important to let others be with us. Time spent with friends and family, and prayer time with our Higher Power, helps us realize that we are not alone in our grief.

And through the grief process I go. I know the steps. I know what comes next. I know that it is perfectly normal.

But I want answers damn it.

To all those I love...

Playing God?

We as people (and we Americans especially; I'll admit to that) have a tendency to take the role of God in many ways. I will leave most of the debates along the way-side because I don't feel like a debate today (besides, I'm too sleepy and I hate to lose). I do, however, feel like a good rant.

I just heard about little Junjie, the 2 month old Chinese boy who was born with three arms. I came across this information just as doctors were annoucing that the surgery removing the third arm was a success. I scanned the article and watched the film clip ( I recommend you do to so you can see what I mean) and I felt a twinge....then I read the end of the article that stated:

Junjie's case was especially rare because both left arms were almost equally well developed. He said doctors decided to remove the one closest to the chest because it did not fully extend.

Read that again. Yep, that's what I had noticed in the clip. The third arm was "equally well developed"; you can see him, clearly, flailing all three arms about. So answer me this, why was it removed? Why was this adorable little 2 month old put through major surgery?

Have we, as a species, become so shallow that we will risk this child's death in order to make him conform? Am I the only one having visions of Brave New World come to life?

Please Mr. Postman

We all knew it wouldn't take long. The Paperweight has been gone for 5 months, literally; but I've been alone for more then 4 years now. So, yes, I've been checking out guys online. If you are a man who is into the great wide world of internet dating, let me pass along some tips. And the really scary thing is, these are real. Each and every one of them. Here are:

The Top 10 ways to get me to ignore your email

1. Start the email with 'Dear Babe'
2. Two words: Spell Check.
3. Ask me questions that I've already answered, that are none of your business, that are terribly obvious or all of the above; such as 'How old were you when you had your son?" Um…let's see, my profile says I'm 31 and that I have a 15 yr old son. Um……..
4. Use so much internet jargon that I have to have my teenager decipher it for me.
5. Have a screen name like pghdisturbed, lovetightjeans, or womb_diver
6. Offer to babysit my kids so I can have some time to myself.
7. When I have 'casual' listed as the type of relationship I'm looking for and go on and on in my essay about how I'm newly separated and do not want any type of relationship just a date once in a while….and your profile says that your desired relationship type is 'serious/marriage'; don't email me.
8. Ask me questions about certain parts of my anatomy.
9. Include pictures of yourself in which you are naked, posing with your vehicle, with horns taped to your head or all of the above.
10. End the email with 'Talk to you later sexy'

And please remember, these are not people who I've had an ongoing email relationship with...these are their introductory emails to me. What's that saying about first impressions? Well, at the very least, I will never be at a loss for a winner for my Fork in the head Fridays.

Fork in the head Friday

I don't think it will be a surprise to anyone for me to announce that I am not a baseball fan. The asinine amounts of money that is involved in this game is enough to make me sick. I think of the years I spent in college, the hard work, the sacrifices I made and continue to make on a daily basis and the pittance I receive in return and I'd like to....well, stab them all in the head with a fork.

And now, MLB and the Pittsburgh City Police are conspiring to make my daily work efforts even more interesting....

Random thoughts, information, and crap

I was going to do an official Thursday 13 format post, but that seemed like way too much trouble this morning. I don't think I've done one since February so I'd have to scroll around and find the code and do I really have 13 and most of it is crap anyway and yada, yada, yada....And the truth of the matter is, I just like to hear myself talk anyway. So does it really matter how I say it?

Anyway......

My bra and panties have to match each other. I can't, for example, wear a white VS bra and blue Hanes panties ::shutter::

I sucked my thumb until I was 10 years old. I only gave it up shortly (months) before I started smoking.

My two brothers once tied me underneath of a bed and left me there because I was annoying them.

Did you know that if you actually attempt to find out "how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop", that your tongue will bleed? I speak from personal experience.

I have to open my mouth in order to put on mascara.

Oh! and I saw Dr. Hottie last night. If I have sexual harrassment charges filed against me today, I will not be at all surprised.

I passed the 200,000 mile mark on my car last week.

My left breast is larger then my right.

I signed up for an online dating service yesterday. I worried that it was too soon. But, I figure, if Paperweight can do it while we are together, I should be fine 5 months after he moved out right?

I follow a truck home most days after work that has a bumber sticker that reads "God loves my tattoo".

I once had a co-worker who would buy me lollipops because he liked to watch me lick them.

Am I the only one who finds it terribly amusing when the guy in the next car flips you the finger then you see the Jesus fish stuck to their bumper as they pass?

Okay, I just checked and I've already gotten 10 responses to my online ad.....Half are mucho scary looking and the other half are total babes. None of them show pictures of themselves with their vehicles though, so I'm already more impressed then I expected to be.

The most productive thing I've done at work today was to schedule my vacation time for next month....